I didn’t know

I got home from camp and watched the news in horror. Rodney King all over again but now a movement of hate and violence EVERYWHERE.

You could have stood side by side, stormed the Capitols, written letters. VOTED!

A man (any color) committed a crime. He resisted and tried to evade a charge of using counterfeit money. The officer tackled him to the ground. The officer should have put his knee in the middle of his shoulder blades. The knee does slip, but the officer was trying to apprehend a criminal. S.O.P is to put the knee in between the shoulder blades.

The officer has been charged.

NOW.

You stupid destructive rioters burning people’s business, livelihoods, streets, stores, freeways..you ARE the cop that killed that criminal. You are tearing your towns asunder. Does that make you happy?

I am ashamed to be an American watching you TOTALLY disgrace this country! If you care write your elected officials. DO NOT DESTROY!!!!

I’ve been being a little bitch..

It’s true. Sorry. I know better, and have most my life. When a Director friend of mine asked me during the #metoo movement if I was going to call out a Producer who sexually assaulted me in 2002 I said no. He wasn’t even close to being the first. My responsibility is learning from the situation and moving on.

I recognize my posts of late have been profoundly negative, honest, but I’m not one to play the victim unless it’s on screen and I’m getting paid. Just isn’t me. I have no one to blame because while I can’t control what happens all the time I can control my reaction to it.

So, looking upward, I accept that I made critical errors with my companies because I didn’t diversify smartly. Believing the things I invested in would always be in demand was shortsighted, and trying to save the world one year into my budding company was knee jerk and arrogant. I thought once people saw that I could get the impossible I might be able to help massive amounts of people on a large scale.

I’m not saying the dream was too big, but the execution needed more than I gave. I accept that I have made mistakes and now I can correct them. If I give the power to my past, my family, my lack of funds, my health, the virus, the government, or anything else I’ve gone on about then I give that power over me and my capabilities! I will just have to learn from this and find a way to do it better!

Ok, so my goal of 100k by the end of the year may not come to fruition. My January goal was late by 3 months, BUT a little over one year ago I sat without 6 companies on disability making 15k a year. I could have continued that way. A recovering cancer patient, debt free, Andy’s Animals made 3k in 2018. I beat cancer, had 6 surgeries, 45 weeks of treatment, let’s face it my poor body had been through hell. I had every excuse NOT to do ANYTHING!

I chose to play a crazy hand, start a nonprofit, learn a new business I’d never heard of, reach out to strangers, join and participate in the community, get energized, pass it on, and it felt fucking GREAT!

I can’t promise that I won’t slip into wo is me moments, I’m human, but I know what to do when the ball is in my court! LET’S GO!!!

Transition..

As restrictions are lifted and people return to work I wonder how?

2 main things I’m going to leave here.

1. With all schools out one parent will have to stay home. So, dual income homes will need to downsize. Let’s just say $90,000 a year each. One person out of the equation budget cut in half. Cut out one car immediately. Raise the food budget by two thirds because have to feed the rascals during the day.

2. How do you imagine the economy coming back? The airline industry has sunk. Very few feel comfortable getting back in the air. Tourism will be changed for many years to come.

The U.S. population bought into bullshit! Third world countries are in dire straits but we shouldn’t have shut down this country for a .00023 percent chance of death. A snake has a better chance of taking me down and I beat CANCER!

I’m sorry for the fear mongering sensationalism the hurt you business, family, and grand celebrations! This whole thing is BULLSHIT!!

Gosh aren’t we lucky that a landlord can’t legally evict? My friend is so happy that she can’t afford to pay rent and is harrassed daily. Has yet to receive ANY assistance, is scared because her place of employment is still closed. YIPPEE Good times. 🤬

I’ve taken enough of your time, sorry. Real people need real help.

I heard tonight they need masks in South America. I’ve gotten requests from the Philippines. I’ve shipped to Veteran’s Hospital’s, Cedars, nursing homes ect..

If someone wants to help me, financially I will get them anywhere you want! The stupid U.S. has probably spent a couple of million trying to get them and not delivered!

One of the greats. ..

In this script some iconic one liners were made.

“Just make it look like a football helmet.”

“It’s taym to see the Easter Bunny “

From beginning to end it was a magnificent script and a true stoy.

I could only beg to be this great. I’ve spent most of the day writing to a woman whose daughter is going through cancer. Her eyesight isn’t doing so well.

She has the love of her family and her Mom is by her side. I too was lucky to have my Mom during dark days.

I’d LOVE to give her my strength, but she said her daughter is the strongest person she knows. She’s correct. Real life isn’t easy. You can live your life, no doubt. I was working at a call center for 3 months while my bail bonds license was approved. A person who had years under his belt told me he liked not having to care.

I cannot live my life without care. I don’t work that way. May we all write the words that carry on!

You know I love you more than my luggage..

The virus..

..I can’t blame it because my angst and unusual anger has nothing to do with COVID19. I wish it were that simple, “LOOK, the virus di it!” So many pieces were in play, but it didn’t help. Like my cancer, smoking didn’t cause it, “But it didn’t help.”

I am officially, as of today, a 2 year cancer survivor. Next hurdle is the 5 year, but my poor body has suffered a tremendous amount of trauma and little pieces keep falling apart. All I can do is face each problem one at a time. For instance I’ve recently been hospitalized for pancreatitis, they found an ulcer so the Doc took me off Naproxen and now I have a nonstop headache and my knee is killing me. Just can’t seem to hit the happy balance. Fortunately, no one is buying my caramels so I’m getting help when ABSOLUTELY necessary. That leads me to the next hurdle

Work, another troublesome topic. I thought when I started my companies that I had diversified well. People will always need a WONDERFUL dog sitter (Andy’s Animals), people will always get married, the elections are just ahead,(Shop2Beat), great new skin care line (Troiya), ect…I was WRONG AGAIN!! Sales across the board down 78 to 100 percent.

In case this is the first blog you’ve read, my Mom and Stepdad are both sick and moving across country to Florida which has a high concentration of pandemic and crime which Mom doesn’t handle well. Aunt LuLu in Laguna is being assaulted by a neighbor. Graffiti, slashed tires, ect

I get tremendous pressure to leave Idaho even though I’ve expressed that I’m happy here. I haven’t resided anywhere this long. I’m part of this community now and I love the people!! AND I feel safe here!

Lastly travel. I was supposed to take 4 trips this year. Maui, Cabo, Newport Beach for Mom’s 75th, and Caribbean cruise for Dad’s 65th. This time last year I was Italy fulfilling my dreams. Right now I’m on a 9 hour drive hold with Delta to find out why the have me on a flight to Los Angeles when I cancelled a month ago.

So, in summation, I’m in pain, (I never understood the headache thing before, got it now!) companies failing, family is definitely bad, friends aren’t a big help, pressure all around and the big REVEAL…I spent all my savings to get masks to those in need. People are so guarded they don’t believe me. So afraid of the hook. I’m simple ok!

The best compliment I ever received was from my ex-boyfriend’s Mom years after we broke up. She said, “Bryan, the best girlfriend you ever had was Andy. She always did what she said she was going to do.”

If I say the masks are free, please pay shipping, they ARE! Getting people back to work is crucial, being safe is crucial, caring, loving, hugging, touching..the new “normal” is BULLSHIT!

Just fxcking cruel!

I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago with pancreatitis for those not reading this regularly. If you’ve never had the joyous affliction consider yourself lucky! During the barrage of test the Doctor thought she spotted an ulcer. So I was sent home to recover and an endoscopy was ordered. During this procedure two white spots were found on my esophagus and one one my stomach. All three spots were biopsied and I was told we would have the results in 7 to 10 days.

That should catch you up on the most recent occurrences.  Clearly I was stressed about it and doing my best to suppress my anxiety. I pulled deep on my acting skills in order to maintain a normal facade. Then my friend said come down to the lake, fish, camp out a few days, and for me most importantly stop staring at the phone!

Made it to camp!

Its interesting that I’ve fished this reservoir well over a hundred times, but I’ve never personally driven here. Typically I fished from a different ramp as well so I got a little lost. My ex-bestfriend and I would always be in some deep philosophical discussion and I never paid attention.

I did make it for this beautiful eveing, made some new friends, and breathed the moisture air.

I woke up to 20 mph winds and not one person that was going out. I didn’t blame them, back in the day we would have never put the boat in

Fishing out, sad.

So I talked a few happy campers into going shooting. We had a great time trying each other’s weapons, I had a particularly good time with the new AR-15.

Unfortunately the wind continued to howl, but we enjoyed the sun and company at Beaver lake. (That’s for you Johnny!)

The cell service is spotty at BEST! Late in the day, early evening I got 2 horrible messages one from my supplier trying to get me masks that I’m trying to distribute to those in need and one saying my test results were ready and I needed to go to the patient portal. I jumped in my Jeep and drove up to the highest point. I checked the results first, and all ot says is call your Doctor. WTF? REALLY? I’ve been scared from the beginning of this, and now at 8 pm I have to wait to tomorrow. The waiting is cruel! I wish they would save the intel until the results are in hand. I have an ulcer, hello?

Long night ahead!

This morning I woke, started the fire and called the Doc at 8:10. Somehow, the Gods were good and I got through. The nurse was hesitant to give me the results. They are supposed to let the Doctors deliver the news. After asking politely she read it to me line by line. Most of the results had to do with the ulcer, but towards the end I heard the news that had been keeping me up at night. Non moalignant she said twice!! I breathed a sigh of relief and jumped for joy!!

I decided to stay at camp and fish today.  Spread the joyous news to family and friends, and now to enjoy a day without stress and knawing worry.  I am so blessed!

Go ahead.. Hate me!!!

I’m nothing! In my life I’ve tried to be a good person, help people, but I’ve hurt people, and made terrible mistakes. Not many, but I have screwed up. and 25 years later I remember not showing up to the Apollo that night. I’ll never forget how horrible I felt for JJ. Little did he know he was in the middle of a horrible situation one dock over. What may surprise you is my lack of regret for my choices. I never set out to hurt anyone, and when I though it might I asked people first. Now, if you wronged me, I’m done making excuses for you. Skeletons don’t belong in closets! That is how domestic abuse, sexual assault, rape, molestation, and child exploitation breeds..in the closet. Like black mold, it festers and destroys the future of unsung hopes and dreams. It also shapes your self esteem.

Let me switch focus though, I am finally coming to grips with the fact that I rank second to Mom. It’s so hard for me, because just when I think I might be important she and Stepdad, make a decision to put my stepsister first. Mom might have tried in the past. If Amber (got a $30,000) education, I got a wedding. I didn’t WANT to get married! I NEVER wanted a wedding! She had to give me the money though, because Amber got her culinary school. Tit for tat. I wish I could give back every stupid dime, because it’s a pay off.

Have fun in the shittiest town in Florida. Might as well live in Anahiem. Mom’s afraid to walk into Walmart alone during the day in Springfield, MO. Congrats on your “safe” choice of Disneyworld tourist land. Mom, Mickey keeps you following around on a leash. He has NO concern for your health; how could he? He doesn’t care about his own!

Mick let you work in that dank dark computer room for years FOR SHIT PAY. He applied for that job behind your back, caused you to lose your home, and had convinced you that Amberland is the greatest place on earth

I HATE the crap you buy into with that selfish shit! The ONLY reason he took me fishing is so you wouldn’t complain about him going! Congat’s Mick, you are the most manipulative man ever, disguised under you compelling argument! You have turned your wife into a sickly follower doing as you bid. When you die, leaving her alone out there, I hope your daughter will help her go to the grocery store.

Keep moving farther and farther away from her Sister’s and children, Amber and the Harris’ win again. We lose.

Don’t worry. I quit. I can’t compete and I’m tired of feeling I have to!

I love you Mom. I will miss you! I pray you are happy! I’m done though.20191125_0716374499222064684006009.jpg