Been thinking…

…and it’s rolling down my face. I have a few friends that are in horrible places. Facing their worst fears and nightmares. I’m powerless to help. Just writing these few sentences has tears stinging my eyes. I feel selfish and inconsiderate going on vacation right now! Nothing I can do or say can make it better except pray. Suffer in silence as I watch truly AMAZING people go down in different but horrific ways.

Every time I turn around more devastating news filters in and I too face a precarious future. Why, I know we all ask at one time or another, does such terrible things happen to great people? I know why they are in my path, goading me towards a path WAY LESS traveled by, but is it really necessary for these wonderful people to suffer? For the love of all that is holy..WHY? To make matters worse I can’t help! They won’t let me!

“Why is it the people who need the most help won’t take it?” I’m paraphrasing Jessie’s line in A River Runs Through It. Maybe I can’t help but I could be there, and that has to be better than dying alone!

My heart just goes on day after day tearing apart for so many of my friends and family. I wonder how I’m going to hide my puffy eyes ? There’s an app for it so all others see is my happy little life with my little problems. In the meantime other people demand time they don’t need and I don’t have to give. I’ve become selfish with my time and why not? It’s the only commodity I can’t get back! Yet I would gladly give it if I could help in anyway! Frivolity seems wrong somehow.

Now I sit back and know these people are headed for the long nap in agony and my heart cracks more each day. Tear drops rolling down my face on a plane headed to Puerto Vallarta. The sea will hide the tears the sun doesn’t dry away.

To the ocean I go for her healing, calm, and strength. I take for she seems to always have more to give. I pray to ease our pain and anguish. I hope this prayer gets answered!

Quit digging..

Have you ever seen your future one way? Absolutely set on your perfect heading, knowing it’s the correct trajectory, and except for a few surprises, your life is good?

That’s never been me. I have taken the road less traveled for better or for worse. And I have had a LOT of both!

In case this is your first visit..WELCOME!

“Feel the fear and do it anyway” was my motto. I traveled across the world, sailed many seas, and deep down I knew I was running away. ALWAYS running, but I decorated it as adventure. Not until I moved to Idaho had I done the work on myself.

I started my non-profit in order to help people, started businesses to support it, but covid took my companies and destroyed most of them one by one. Amazon did a fine job of fucking me over time and time again. No worries, trial and tribulations which gave me a wealth of knowledge. As my Coach says, “If you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!” Sandra Yancey’s Mom said.

I know what I need to do. Scares the CRAP out of me. Don’t know why exactly. I’ve faced horrible situations head on time and again. I CAN do it, but something keeps stopping me. Am I good enough? Will people listen, and do I want them to listen to me? Am I really needed? I hope so!

Relatable I’m Afraid, but..

There’s more…

A cancer patient just wrote this..

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer on 12/18/2019. When I was diagnosed I asked, How long do I have? The dr said we cannot give you a date but we will keep you as comfortable as possible. I have been through chemo, radiation, internal radiation, immunotherapy, lost my hair. I’ve had many nights I stayed awake because I felt if I closed my eyes I might not wake up. I just found out a few days ago I am in remission. Just keep fighting its worth it!

That’s me and those are sharks…

NEVER listen to the number! FIGHT!!!

Compliments…

Such a debaucle at the Oscar’s, Will Smith slapping Chris Rock after the comedian complimented Will’s bald wife.   Let me assure you, as a former bald woman, The GI Jane compliment is thrown around incessantly.  I look absolutely nothing like the actress, but on a daily basis I would be told that is who I looked like.  I know it’s a compliment, albeit a frustrating, annoying one.   For approximately 6 months while I had no hair I was compared to every bald Celebrity you can think of!

NOTHING like Demi

Then there’s the obvious compliments.  Pretty, great legs, tits, ass, eyes, blah blah blah…Mom and Dad had sex!  I didn’t accomplish any of these, just how I was made. 

What bothered me was the Neverending attention to my hair!  Total strangers came up and had something to say about the short hair.  I was FINALLY approachable, but for the DUMBEST REASON!!!

Still swollen after brain surgery

In my 47 almost 8 trips around the sun,  2 have stood out above all others!  The first came from an ex boyfriend’s Mother.  Long after we had broken up she said, “I liked Andy the most.  She always did what she said she was going to do.”  WOW!  To be recognized for integrity!!!!  THAT is a compliment and #1 on my list!

Had to get my bucket list rooster fish! 
60 days after brain surgery!!

The second one came just as unacceptably!  Out fishing with my buddy Jim last week, (we go back 15 plus years) and he said, “You’re a joyous person.”  I have NEVER heard that before and certainly never felt that way about myself.

On the boat with Jim

I love to give compliments!  I prefer to praise along the lines of wardrobe because its a representation of the person who picked it out. It’s rarely easy for me to take compliments because they so rarely have anything to do with who I am, only what I am.

For you, Will Smith!

Touched…

I just read this, and it will ring true to anyone touched by cancer. We have all had these thoughts, but I find this lady said it achingly poignant. Smile through my tears…

“I met with my oncologist today. My tumor is regrowing . I was told it’s terminal. I’m only 25. I’ve been crying all day. I’m so lost and scared. I don’t understand this 😭😭😭

That big fish..60 days after brain surgery. Get up, put your pretty dress on, makeup, My mother always said when you feel your worst… look your best! Smile even as the tears fall from your eyes! Do something that serves others, help a charity, and when times get hard call the American Cancer Society, they have a 24/7 hotline. FIGHT!!!!

I wrote that to this warrior because, at some point, we ALL need it!!

From a fellow fighter..

These are David’s words too beautiful not to share!!! Thank you😘🤗😘🤗😘

GOOD MORNING FIGHTERS…

T.G.I.F…. (Thank God I Fight)…

I LOVE FRIDAYS..

As I awake and take moment to talk to GOD and my SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST they fill my spirit with what to write on this BEAUTIFUL Friday morning.. I can feel under my calm surface a BOILING point.. ALL 212 DEGREES that wants to come to the surface busting through like RED OCTOBER..As I initially push these feelings down.. I tell myself "David stay calm".. But sometimes these feelings burst through the surface as I try to maintain the ROLLER-COASTER of emotions that go up and down like an ELEVATOR that some pre-teen brat pushed all the buttons on..lol..And so the FIGHT BEGINS... I am frustrated and ANGRY with this disease.. I have an internal rage as I know most of you have as well.. Let's turn this RAGE into a POSITIVE FORCE of NATURE.. Let it burn within.. Let the RAGE focus us on our battle.. Focus us on ways to beat this disease.. Focus us on the end game of not only SURVIVING but THRIVING.. To take a step back and understand why we fight so hard.. Why everyday we must give LIFE a chance.. So everyone that reads this let's pull together.. We are an ARMY of fighters.. A battalion of kick ass WARRIORS.. A team to be reckoned with..We are the LEGION of DOOM for cancer...

We must QUELL that boiling point.. To bring calm back into our lives and to FIGHT the chaos that cancer CREATES to control our lives.. So let’s get up and take a deep breath.. We are an ELITE group of WARRIORS.. We are the NAVY SEALS of cancer fighters.. We are a Thermo-nuclear contingent of fighters.. We are the UFC (ULTIMATE FIGHTERS of CANCER)..WE are plain and simple the strongest pack of in your face bad-asses on the planet… I mean think about what we go through..The SURGERIES the TREATMENTS and THERAPIES How we must wear our cancer for all to SEE.. YET we are still STANDING.. Still FIGHTING.. Still SURVIVING.. Still WINNING..

Everyday we rise to fight again.. Everyday we take the battlefield and tell cancer NOT TODAY.. Each morning we look in the mirror to see our BATTLE SCARS and bumps and bruises from yesterday’s battle.. We are at war with an unrelenting opponent that has unlimited energy and needs no rest.. An opponent that STEALS our hunger to make us weak… That STEALS our sleep to make us tired..An opponent that beats the crap out of us and makes us want to GIVE UP.. But we will not give up to you cancer.. Because we are WARRIORS.. We are FIGHTERS.. Let’s close ranks.. Put our backs against the wall and come out swinging.. Let’s use every tool at our disposal… Beating this disease is within our GRASP.. Let’s make the phrase “HEALTHY AND HAPPY” part of our vocabulary again..

HAVE A GREAT DAY WARRIORS AND A GREAT ATTITUDE AND YOU WILL WIN THE DAY!!!!

B.O.H.I.C.A

Welcome to 2022! Happy Fxcking New Year!

Mine? I was having a busy evening at work. I had just bonded another client, and he was walking in to sign his paperwork. I am a Bail Bondsman. Quick explanation: When a person is arrested, a bond is set. As per the Department of Insurance, I put up the whole amount, and the Defendant pays a 10% fee to my company. Got it? My client walked in and informed me that he had slipped on ice in front of our building and hurt himself. I could tell that he was in pain, and he said, “I should sue.”

As soon as he left I grabbed our tub of salt (melts ice) and headed out to make a safe path into the building. Being very careful, I thought I was stepping on dry ground, but it was black ice. Falling in splendid fashion, I did the splits, but put my left arm out and broke it.

Most of you are aware that I have beat cancer, brain aneurysm,  hysterectomy, pancreatitus, the list goes on.  You name it. I’ve had 13 surgeries in 4 years and had suffered plenty of horrific pain.  Breaking my arm is kids play. 
Driving around the corner to St. Aphonsus Emergency, the town celebrated the new year, fireworks booming overhead, while I was given the official report, broken. However, I would need to wait 5 to 7 days to put a cast on for the the swelling to go down.
No problem,  I had a 3 day trip to Cabo planned.  Due to the situation,  I made my grumbling husband go with me as cabanna boy.  I travel alone most of the time, but without an arm, nope. So, he graciously took 2 days off work. First for everything!

Didn’t go in, and I was SO close.
His 1st time in Mexico, and he’s smiling! BONUS

I handled that fine, kept my injury protected, and hubby had a great time handling my bags, getting ice, and other incessant demands.
At that point, I had missed a day and a half of work. The night I had to go to the hospital, New Years, and the next day. I had planned that trip on my days off. I try to start every year in the sun, in the water, and on a beach! Sets a great tone for the year.

I LOVE Mexico!

After my return from Baja, my new surgeon decided to cast the break to see if it would heal.  I  returned to work with a cast on.  By my second week, I couldn’t take the pain anymore.   I had to tell my Boss I couldn’t come in.  I LOVE my job,  have wanted  to work  at this Company for years!   6 months to the day after I started, and I’m out on my first workman’s comp claim, EVER . I know it could be worse, but it’s taken 4 years to be healthy enough to go back to work.

I went to my check-up revealing the brake was worse, surgery would be required, 21st, Friday at 1pm following a covid test. Having the enormous experience as a patient I know an afternoon surgery on Friday is the WORST! Add the extra bonus; my surgeon is 7 months pregnant. Her mind is ready to get off her feet and relax her back by Friday afternoon. I was told unfortunately, it was the “ONLY” opening she had. Dutifully, I got my negative covid test, but the next day I woke up with 100.4 fever. Due to the pandemic I wouldn’t be let in the hospital. New time slot, they could “squeeze” me in 7:30 am Thursday, January 27th. MUCH better! (Thank you body for getting me off the hook!)

Wednesday, the day before the operation to put a plate and screws in my wrist, the surgeon had an emergency and ended up on complete bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. I was given a new Doc, time, and location for the morning. EXCELLENT! I felt much better!

I get to the outpatient facility, and I was ushered right in. The nurses got me right to pre-op, plugged, stuck, and the anesthesiologist explained her process. I was to be given a block which would stop all pain. I would be awake through the operation but wouldn’t remember anything. Next the surgeon introduced himself, drugs administered, and off to surgery we went.

Just waking up in EXCRUCIATING pain.

Next I knew I was balling in pain. The nurses scrambled to get pain medicine in me. I slept through the procedure (according to Dr.) so they weren’t aware the block didn’t work. I called my husband and told him he had to get home. NOTHING in my past led me to believe I would be in such pain. It made no sense.

I went home and called a few hours later wondering if this amount of pain was normal. I didn’t cry when I broke my arm! Only when I heard Betty White had passed did I cry, but it wasn’t from the arm!

Pain sucks

Well, I found out the next day when the surgeon called. The bone was healing, incorrectly the month in a cast, but if left alone I would have a crooked arm. He had to REBREAK my arm before the plate and screws were put in. Unfortunately, they found out too late the block didn’t work. LOVELY! The pain had me crying into the night and beyond. I’m a grin and bare it kinda gal. FXCK ME!!!

WWB 2021

I had to cancel my 10 day trip to Belize and the Women With Bait Tournament which I do every year.

Ziplining and cave tubing Belize

Now I pray to heal a.s.a.p. and get back to work. I can’t imagine when I’m going to be able to fish! Can’t believe they wasted a month of my life and had me in throbbing agony! FUN!

Writing this, talk to text has been a joy as well, but along with the physical pain I am FURIOUS that my medical care was taken so nonchalantly by the hospital! I even asked a nurse, “If I had come to you with just my Federal Medical Benefits and not Workman’s comp, would I have been treated better?”

Her earth shattering response, “Probably not, it’s ’cause of Covid.”

Christmas work…

One of the reasons I love my job is that everyday I’m reminded how lucky I am.  I just finished working the Christmas night shift..12am to 6am and 6pm to 12pm (on the 25th) and an entire box of kleenex is gone from my desk.  Several calls came in.  I did my best to help everyone I could, and of those that I did help it reminded me how precious life is.  I’m truly blessed.

I saw people who knew they’d destroyed their life, people who couldn’t help their children, and those desperate to get loved ones home.  I watched desperation and despair pour like a tidal wave across my desk and did everything in my power to help.

For the last 3 months I have been haunted and conflicted by parts of my job.  I’ve agonized over what it’s doing to the good part of me. Seeking advice I talked to everyone about letting criminals out of jail (convicted), went to church, and tried to hold together the bleeding rips of my purging heart strings. All the tears and anger led me to Christmas 2021 and people who needed me. Someone said, “You are very lucky she answered your call. No one besides her would help you tonight.”

Coming home this morning

I am so very blessed. Getting home safely, warm in my home, relatively healthy, family, friends, appreciated and loved I thank everyone who made it happen! May we all chose to be happy! It’s there..find it!!!

Another year goes by..

Sliding down the other side..

As this day passes, another year around the sun, I realize that my choices in life have been largely selfish.   I’m not surprised, finding no confidence in my ability to care for and raise another.  Who am I to criticize procreators except that children for the most part are intolerable to me.  Recognizing it’s not their fault, zoned out, stoned out parents flood the supermarkets, airplanes, and restaurants with undisciplined ankle biters.   Perhaps if I had seen a better example as a child I would have braved motherhood., but thankfully I didn’t unleash my DNA onto the public after seeing the true horror children and adults inflict on each other. I prefer dogs to children, and selfishly love the unconditional love they give! My beloved A.J. passed over 5 years ago, and thanks to covid my dog sitting business went belly up. For the next decade or so, I will have Gunner and Beary keeping me company and showering me with love come rain or shine.

My 2 babies

40 years ago on this day I wished for my own death.   I didn’t understand the changing rules of my family after my Father’s death.  Raised in California I knew of earthquakes.  We had drills in school where we hid under our desks until the fake quake passed.  Then we would line up in formation under a blue sky.  I felt the deep, unstoppable, shaking rolling through my family as roads buckled and connections split.  My roads and intersections would never be the same. 40 years later and I’m still crawling for every inch. Another year of vast changes, huge losses and gains, and one year further from that fucking disease that tried to end me!

At the age of 3 I became a competitor, at 7 I was made a fighter who hated battle, inconceivable mountains and valleys, and at 43 a SURVIVOR!

11/19/1974

At 47 I am not worried about the little things.  My body betrays my weakness at times, and pain can take over my personality, but thankfully it passes.  I’m happy that I’ve lived a life of adventure, only settling down in a place that is as wild as my spirit.  Still, my beloved Gem is the diving board to the next adventure pool!  My bucket list may be complete, but I won’t stop.  My craving for exploration never diminishes!  Off I go to the next year!

Good to go!