Disappointment…

Follows me everywhere. From childhood I tried to meet everyone’s expectations. What terrifies me is that I’m now 46 and my fingers quiver under the scrutiny of my new boss. Like a child, I’m scared I won’t be good enough.

I still agonize unable to meet my husband’s expectations. Everything that breaks is my fault. I want to be a great wife but how when everything that goes wrong lands on my shoulders? Why would ANYONE want to hurt a person that loves them and hopes to make each day better?

My Father a short time before his death..would’ve liked to fish him.

Some things in life don’t make sense to me.

I have this traumatizing fear of doing anything wrong that it cripples me. I fear the damning repercussions. I know this about myself. Even cancer can’t cure the desperate need to be perfect all the FXCKING time even though it’s impossible. When I was young not being perfect was painful.

I wish in my personal life I could find compassion and love every day.

I wish I could count on being the recipient.

Guess I set the bar too high in life.

Damn it!!!

In an effort to charge ahead in doctrinization covid world I pursued a job I once loved, and was hired. The company had changed from the ideal to somewhat less desirable since I first applied, but more lucrative. Not interested in the changes I didn’t push the interview hoping something else would provide. If only one of my companies had survived the pandemic, but not meant to be.. I conceded my covid catastrophe and got the, not so desirable, job of my dream.

After all I had been through, NO worries!!

Fighting through some of my body’s resistance to the change I soldiered on to be my best, do a great job, and be a team player. Just a little over 4 months in the job I am beginning to realize it’s much like being married to my ex.

“This person will screw you over, but I won’t. ” “This person will do “this” to you, so watch out.” Excuse me, you just did exactly what you said they would do. Like my ex saying I was cheating on him when it was him screwing around. The narcissist playbook 101.

Really? Don’t need drama!!!

I was furious that so soon out of the gate the veil was lifted, several times actually, but such is life. I will get seething mad for a moment but then I find myself morose that we can’t, as a species be greater to one another. I am not always, but try to be better than pettiness, jealousy, and greed.

Hell of a week!
Need to find my zen and start anew next hitch!

Of COURSE GRRR

Now inspiration hits and I MUST get to sleep. Have to wake up in a few hours to go to Mexico and see my dentist. My mind and body won’t shut down. The fun fishing thrill won’t disapate and my mind is firing on all cylinders. SUCH a night person.

San Diego harbor at night

Emotions flood into me no matter how hard I try to plug the holes. Each time I come I’m happy to go home and each time I’m happy leave home. Quite the conundrum!

Now, I must sleep. What a wonderful day!!

Judgment..bite me!

So guess what..I’m not perfect 😳

I never thought that this was up for discussion. Mom has always informed me of my imperfections which is her job, even a right, I suppose. I inturn have held her accountable for hers. She doesn’t care for the way I’m handling my illnesses, and I am not fond of her choices as a Mother. Guess we are even.

Mom’s a big girl, as am I, but I found myself in need of help this week and who did I turn to? Facebook. How fxcked is that? I couldn’t turn to close friends or family because there was no one there. I know I use vulgarity to keep my emotions in check because crying is not an option. It’s inappropriate for certain, but when you have to use a 4 letter word rather than blow your nose, 4 letter word every TIME!!!

This is not pleasant!!!!

So, Mom says I’m “softer” when I’m kind and loving. SO IS A PUPPY!! Careful, that pup will destroy your $1000 boots in seconds. Of COURSE I’m softer when I’m kind and caring. I’m also a pain in the ass when I’m in terrible pain 😱 SHOCKER!!!

In no way was I trying to catch more bees with honey..they STING..HELLO! I’m not surprised anymore. Always wanted $20 from people that had $5 to give. What baffles me is that the $5 people get a say in the $20 life. You have to ante up first. That goes for everyone!

SO..I’m in pain right now! 🖕I am trying to go back to work. Have NO doubt that criticism is going to go over like a pregnant poll vaulter! NO ONE has the right to judge me and I’m sad that so many do.

Happy 4th of July!

No good deed…

During covid I was still in and out of my UPS Store. I know my people there, and look at them like my employees, keeping my little companies sending out my sales. A new guy was hired, Justin, who had just moved to Idaho with his wife from New York. He was frustrated that he couldn’t get a hair cut. I made sure he got one.

Months later he reached out and said his life had turned to the worse and he needed some money to keep himself off the streets. I knew he worked six days a week at UPS, he wasn’t a slacker! After discussing it with my husband Bruce, we gave him money so he wouldn’t be homeless and lose his job.

This isn’t a great time for us financially, but we did it. He swore to pay it back next paycheck, but I told him to find a place to live, pay us back when he was flush.

A few weeks ago I asked where Justin was, and my friend said he was going through some personal issues but would be back to work.

I received a few voice messages from him. He had a heart attack, died, but was brought back to life, and had been in ICU. I never spoke to him, but texted that I hoped he would continue to improve.

Found out today, he passed from another heart attack. Justin had a new apartment, got his driver’s license, a car, and was supposed to be back to work Tuesday.

Last person I loaned money to, Lee a Co worker, took his own life.

When will I stop trying to help people? I hope I never close my heart to my fellow man! I am however, heartbroken that I couldn’t save someone. Wish I had more power!

PLESANTLY SURPRISED!

I’m down in San Diego going to my dentist in Tijuana on Thursday, so I HAD to go fishing of course! It’s early in the season so my normal boat, the Producer hasn’t been “on line” meaning running. They start running trips tonight, but I have to be in Mexico tomorrow. Breaking from my normal routine, my dear friend Danny Wade procured me a spot on the Grande with Captain Alec out of H&M Landing.

The Grande is a 3/4 day boat instead of my normal day trips that I prefer. She leaves at 5:30 am and returns to the dock at approximately 7 pm. Normally I get on the boat the night before, we drive all night so I wake up at 5 am where the fish are.

I’m alone, and there’s 33 people on the boat. I don’t know anyone, but I’ve fished thousands of times and know the routine. First thing the crew did was take my poles and put them on the boat. Never seen that before, but they were signing everyone in before we boarded so having hands free was convenient. EVERY boat I’ve fished or worked on we sign in in the galley. I immediately saw this as a brilliant plan. No more chasing anglers all over the boat so we can leave on time. I should’ve thought of that!

Getting ready to leave..

I put my gear away and settle in for the long boat ride to the tuna. I see that they left the bunks open and am shocked. Why would they do that? If people use them they have to replace the pillowcases, and you don’t need to do that on a trip where people aren’t spending the night. This creates extra work for the crew, but is no doubt a HUGE perk for the fisherman! I’ve never seen a crew go the extra mile like this!

The day is beautiful, water so calm you can hardly tell water from sky.

Then we get out to the grounds, and first stop I hook up and catch the first Bluefin Tuna! A crew member, Ash, was by my side the whole time! That’s normal. We get it on board, and after the photo the deckhand gills and guts it immediately getting all the warm blood out thus preserving the meat better! I have ONLY seen this on long range trips. Typically the fish are just tagged and dropped in the fish hold.

Then I order a cheeseburger and I’m shocked to see a half pound patty! It was DELICIOUS with butter toasted bun. I wish my mouth would’ve been able to handle the BBQ Chicken Ranch Burrito. OMG if only I had salivary glands!!! Christian had one and says it’s the BEST boat food he’s ever had!!! WOW! He works on another boat!!!!

Little things can add up to make a big difference! I’m so impressed with the boat and it’s crew that I HAD to share with you! Great boat, GREAT burger, and FANTASTIC crew!!! Want to fish this boat again for SURE!

Captain Alec

THANK YOU GRANDE!!!

WOW.. What a week!

I was fine coming up on my test, but I started out helping a fellow mouth cancer patient who had been in remission for 3 years. Her P.E.T. Scan revealed cancer had emerged again in her lymph nodes.

Going in..

My 3 year scan was on Tuesday. Gulp! ‘Cause I can! Not easy for a mouth cancer survivor. I was scared, and I’m never scared!

Believing I had beat cancer, 100% kicked it’s ASS, I was humbled by the reality that it could come back. No one is immune.

I shed my clothes, went into the room, did chit chat with a Nurse who has seen me far too may times in 3 years (She is always happy to see me), and went into the scan with a trepidation far different than before. What If I did have it again? I let the fear grip me, accepted that I’m vulnerable, and focused on one thing, “What is the next best thing I can do?”

So I met with a new web designer that I believe will do a great job for Troiya.com, my AWESOME skin care line! I’m not plugging my business, I’m happy to be able to have a business at all!

I worried until the next morning at 11 am when I was informed, all clear. I let everyone know that all was well, but I hate that fear can paralyze me. Even for a second! I hate that cancer gets a back burner to covid, flu, heart disease, obesity. I want to rip the tongue out of people charging criminal prices for necessary medicine and medical attention! Neglecting cancer patients is a CRIME! Coming up with a vaccine for covid in 9 months is a slap in face! You want people to believe you have no cure for cancer, I’m calling BULLSHIT!

I actually heard from a good source that Trump was going to announce that cancer treatment and cures were going to be available. WAKE UP people! Israel has simple tests and Canada has cures.

Let me guess, I lost you! You don’t care.

Fine, I’ll go onto today’s awesomeness! My FANTASTIC friend’s leukemia is responding to treatment and will be off chemo in 4 months! My cup runneth over!!!

Beautiful women!!

Today is a GLORIOUS DAY! TOP 10!

Expectations

I am going to meet a bunch of new business owners tomorrow and I’m stressing.

What to wear? Not this, I get that!

I do own a fishing company but I’m guessing these guys won’t like this either

I feel like Jim Carey…WHAT TO WEAR?

GET ANGRY!

I try to help people having trouble with doctors, medications, diagnosis, ect in throat/oral cancer groups. Several people are frustrated, disheartened, in pain, suffering, and I can empathize. I offer some hope, lend my ear, and give encouragement.

Once in awhile I read something that makes my blood BOIL! For instance:

My surgeon said:
And I quote: “If you miss your next appointment we are done w/ you and you will die a horrible painful death”
what the heck?

What the heck is right! I know you are only allowed to miss 3 appointments, I was lucky to have a ride, but this guy missed his second appointment because he was in SURGERY! WTF?

I pray people fight back and encourage them to speak out/speak up! Call the American Cancer Society 24/7 hotline, talk to the advocates, call lawyers, fight insurance companies, ask questions, get MAD!!!!!! I fired 5 doctors! Stand up for yourself!

I had to fight my radiologist to get Hyperbaric when I had necrosis. Saved my jaw!

Ever present need..

I was one of those who followed blindly but needed someone to kick my butt, in the right way. When Aunt Lynda was on her 7th cancer diagnosis if I recall correctly, I begged her to get a second opinion. My plea fell on deaf ears even though I pushed harder the last 2 and final times. She had accepted her fate, RIGHTFULLY so! For ten years, 9 cancers, and NO pain meds (she was afraid to become an addict =(. I needed me to kick my butt. Cancer treatment is subjective and I didn’t head my own advice leaving a plethora of disasters in its wake. Cancer itself comes with a huge cross. I feel bad when I don’t get in the groups and try to help people struggling with feeding tubes, thrush, radiation ulcers. Then I try to touch base with the aneurysm survivors to offer assistance there. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I have days that I can’t bare to think about my medical horrors so I won’t respond. Of course I feel bad and have overcompensate.

Giving and being selfish has always been a struggle, but now my short term memory is unpredictable, like my health. Life’s a bitch isn’t it?