Father’s Day..

Always a difficult day for me. I miss my Father everyday; he died in an airplane crash when I was almost 7. (In case you haven’t read my other blogs.) Mom remarried when I was 13, but by then I had gone far beyond parenting. He’s fantastic, though, and I love him!

Back to growing up without a Father who, as a child, you thought was better than God! Every second with him was a dream come true! I have one bad memory, and it’s incredibly powerful! He yelled when Jeff and I ran out in the street. Scared me more than anything. Anyway, there’s a constant inner battle in me, the little girl who wants her Father’s love, and the confident powerhouse ready to take on the world. My self is in constant battle over these two. I don’t “need” a man in the ’50’s sense, but there is a part of me that wants that love. To see that look in a man’s eyes, and know that he loves you no matter what. That wants all the best for you and can’t wait to see you achieve your dreams! Not the fairy tale, but a partnership in the success of each other. I THINK it exists. I’ve seen it in other couples, but of course I don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Perhaps that is the happily ever after that isn’t real. The part where you’re happy for each other. You help and take care of one another. For me, the guy’s jealousy factor always took over as soon as my ascension began. The clutches got tighter, anger more ferocious, and life unbearable as my success grew. They loved me in the beginning and encouraged me, but once I was on my way up, our relationship took a downward spiral. So, I settled for no emotion. Nothing that could spark the rage that crashed in the past. If no one could care less than we can’t hurt each other. Yeah, ok Andy.

Indifference is cruel in it’s own way. Not that it matters, no one really cares. Go, be, do whatever you want…I will! Careful whatcha wish for. I’ve encountered such incredible ranges of emotion with people. I still can’t say I understand them. I know me, but I’m not sure I’M right.

I’m happy when someone is doing great, try to help if there’s a problem, never intentionally hurt people, and I am far from perfect. However, I’m left with this great hole in my heart.

Miss you Andy. Happy Father’s Day!

One thought on “Father’s Day..

  1. I, too, didn’t have my dad. I finally forgave him for not being there, and my mother for not having him there. I was then able to forgive myself for needing to do all that. Finally, I was able to realize that I am whole and I no longer feel incomplete. I think “whole” might be “hole” with a “w” for “worthy” in front of it!

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