I was just walking to the mailbox. I can’t remember exactly why this came out of my mouth, but ever since i said it, I’ve been holding back tears. They needed to fall. The stress has been unbearable the last few weeks and I have endured it as the trooper I am. I need a cry. I need Moonlight and Valentino but it’s in Alabama. Yes, I’m avoiding this horrible thought, I feel awful thinking it let alone repeating it, but it rocked me to my core.
Like a bandaid I’m going to rip it off…
“I hope my Mom dies before me so she won’t have to suffer the pain of losing a child. ”
We all know the natural order. Most of you know how sick I’ve been. I don’t want Mom to have to endure losing my life although she would do it well. I’d hate for her to feel that pain.
When they were prepping me for brain surgery I told the team, “Don’t worry about me dying D.N.R (DO NOT RESECITATE). I’ve lived an AWESOME life, but Mom’s in the waiting room and she’ll kill ya! RUN!” I can only imagine how afraid she was, and I was trying to make everything a joke.
Her first husband died in an airplane crash and her best friend, my Godmother, lost her battle with cancer, I pray she doesn’t have to let her children go. She doesn’t deserve that! So, while I don’t want to lose Mom, I also don’t want her to lose me.
I hope she doesn’t lose one of her children 🙏
True love may be hoping the pain lands on your shoulders, but I’m scared those shoulders won’t be mine.