The virus..

..I can’t blame it because my angst and unusual anger has nothing to do with COVID19. I wish it were that simple, “LOOK, the virus di it!” So many pieces were in play, but it didn’t help. Like my cancer, smoking didn’t cause it, “But it didn’t help.”

I am officially, as of today, a 2 year cancer survivor. Next hurdle is the 5 year, but my poor body has suffered a tremendous amount of trauma and little pieces keep falling apart. All I can do is face each problem one at a time. For instance I’ve recently been hospitalized for pancreatitis, they found an ulcer so the Doc took me off Naproxen and now I have a nonstop headache and my knee is killing me. Just can’t seem to hit the happy balance. Fortunately, no one is buying my caramels so I’m getting help when ABSOLUTELY necessary. That leads me to the next hurdle

Work, another troublesome topic. I thought when I started my companies that I had diversified well. People will always need a WONDERFUL dog sitter (Andy’s Animals), people will always get married, the elections are just ahead,(Shop2Beat), great new skin care line (Troiya), ect…I was WRONG AGAIN!! Sales across the board down 78 to 100 percent.

In case this is the first blog you’ve read, my Mom and Stepdad are both sick and moving across country to Florida which has a high concentration of pandemic and crime which Mom doesn’t handle well. Aunt LuLu in Laguna is being assaulted by a neighbor. Graffiti, slashed tires, ect

I get tremendous pressure to leave Idaho even though I’ve expressed that I’m happy here. I haven’t resided anywhere this long. I’m part of this community now and I love the people!! AND I feel safe here!

Lastly travel. I was supposed to take 4 trips this year. Maui, Cabo, Newport Beach for Mom’s 75th, and Caribbean cruise for Dad’s 65th. This time last year I was Italy fulfilling my dreams. Right now I’m on a 9 hour drive hold with Delta to find out why the have me on a flight to Los Angeles when I cancelled a month ago.

So, in summation, I’m in pain, (I never understood the headache thing before, got it now!) companies failing, family is definitely bad, friends aren’t a big help, pressure all around and the big REVEAL…I spent all my savings to get masks to those in need. People are so guarded they don’t believe me. So afraid of the hook. I’m simple ok!

The best compliment I ever received was from my ex-boyfriend’s Mom years after we broke up. She said, “Bryan, the best girlfriend you ever had was Andy. She always did what she said she was going to do.”

If I say the masks are free, please pay shipping, they ARE! Getting people back to work is crucial, being safe is crucial, caring, loving, hugging, touching..the new “normal” is BULLSHIT!

Just fxcking cruel!

I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago with pancreatitis for those not reading this regularly. If you’ve never had the joyous affliction consider yourself lucky! During the barrage of test the Doctor thought she spotted an ulcer. So I was sent home to recover and an endoscopy was ordered. During this procedure two white spots were found on my esophagus and one one my stomach. All three spots were biopsied and I was told we would have the results in 7 to 10 days.

That should catch you up on the most recent occurrences.  Clearly I was stressed about it and doing my best to suppress my anxiety. I pulled deep on my acting skills in order to maintain a normal facade. Then my friend said come down to the lake, fish, camp out a few days, and for me most importantly stop staring at the phone!

Made it to camp!

Its interesting that I’ve fished this reservoir well over a hundred times, but I’ve never personally driven here. Typically I fished from a different ramp as well so I got a little lost. My ex-bestfriend and I would always be in some deep philosophical discussion and I never paid attention.

I did make it for this beautiful eveing, made some new friends, and breathed the moisture air.

I woke up to 20 mph winds and not one person that was going out. I didn’t blame them, back in the day we would have never put the boat in

Fishing out, sad.

So I talked a few happy campers into going shooting. We had a great time trying each other’s weapons, I had a particularly good time with the new AR-15.

Unfortunately the wind continued to howl, but we enjoyed the sun and company at Beaver lake. (That’s for you Johnny!)

The cell service is spotty at BEST! Late in the day, early evening I got 2 horrible messages one from my supplier trying to get me masks that I’m trying to distribute to those in need and one saying my test results were ready and I needed to go to the patient portal. I jumped in my Jeep and drove up to the highest point. I checked the results first, and all ot says is call your Doctor. WTF? REALLY? I’ve been scared from the beginning of this, and now at 8 pm I have to wait to tomorrow. The waiting is cruel! I wish they would save the intel until the results are in hand. I have an ulcer, hello?

Long night ahead!

This morning I woke, started the fire and called the Doc at 8:10. Somehow, the Gods were good and I got through. The nurse was hesitant to give me the results. They are supposed to let the Doctors deliver the news. After asking politely she read it to me line by line. Most of the results had to do with the ulcer, but towards the end I heard the news that had been keeping me up at night. Non moalignant she said twice!! I breathed a sigh of relief and jumped for joy!!

I decided to stay at camp and fish today.  Spread the joyous news to family and friends, and now to enjoy a day without stress and knawing worry.  I am so blessed!

Go ahead.. Hate me!!!

I’m nothing! In my life I’ve tried to be a good person, help people, but I’ve hurt people, and made terrible mistakes. Not many, but I have screwed up. and 25 years later I remember not showing up to the Apollo that night. I’ll never forget how horrible I felt for JJ. Little did he know he was in the middle of a horrible situation one dock over. What may surprise you is my lack of regret for my choices. I never set out to hurt anyone, and when I though it might I asked people first. Now, if you wronged me, I’m done making excuses for you. Skeletons don’t belong in closets! That is how domestic abuse, sexual assault, rape, molestation, and child exploitation the closet. Like black mold, it festers and destroys the future of unsung hopes and dreams. It also shapes your self esteem.

Let me switch focus though, I am finally coming to grips with the fact that I rank second to Mom. It’s so hard for me, because just when I think I might be important she and Stepdad, make a decision to put my stepsister first. Mom might have tried in the past. If Amber (got a $30,000) education, I got a wedding. I didn’t WANT to get married! I NEVER wanted a wedding! She had to give me the money though, because Amber got her culinary school. Tit for tat. I wish I could give back every stupid dime, because it’s a pay off.

Have fun in the shittiest town in Florida. Might as well live in Anahiem. Mom’s afraid to walk into Walmart alone during the day in Springfield, MO. Congrats on your “safe” choice of Disneyworld tourist land. Mom, Mickey keeps you following around on a leash. He has NO concern for your health; how could he? He doesn’t care about his own!

Mick let you work in that dank dark computer room for years FOR SHIT PAY. He applied for that job behind your back, caused you to lose your home, and had convinced you that Amberland is the greatest place on earth

I HATE the crap you buy into with that selfish shit! The ONLY reason he took me fishing is so you wouldn’t complain about him going! Congat’s Mick, you are the most manipulative man ever, disguised under you compelling argument! You have turned your wife into a sickly follower doing as you bid. When you die, leaving her alone out there, I hope your daughter will help her go to the grocery store.

Keep moving farther and farther away from her Sister’s and children, Amber and the Harris’ win again. We lose.

Don’t worry. I quit. I can’t compete and I’m tired of feeling I have to!

I love you Mom. I will miss you! I pray you are happy! I’m done though.20191125_0716374499222064684006009.jpg

Well, this sucks…

…and just when things started to come together and my success was in my grasp, BAM, Coronavirus.

Business is in the toilet, haven’t gotten my stimulus check from the government, doing everything I can to turn this extremely bad situation into something positive. I bought 2 thousand masks from China to be delivered to me so I can give to anyone who needs them. Then I ordered 10,000 more when I knew I could get them.

While waiting for them, I fell violently ill from pancreatitis. I ended up in the hospital in the midst of the world’s greatest pandemic in modern times. I was able to talk my Doctor into letting me recover at home, and be monitored via zoom calls. I often wonder 200 years from now if we will be studied in history and kids will go, “What are those?”

“Well, back in the year 2020 a great pandemic spread across the globe killing one percent of the population, and making 10 percent sick with flu like symptoms. In order to stop the spread people had to isolate and work from home. They communicated with their computers through Zoom. A company that was on that ancient internet.

Small businesses were destroyed, and the gap between the rich and the poor widened at an alarming rate in the United States.” said the Teacher.

I wonder if a war will follow this, I’m curious what lies ahead and what will be written in the history books. I hope they don’t talk about our complaints on Facebook, “I’m bored.”, “My kid is driving me insane.”, “I have to get my nails and hair done.”, ect. The complaints of a bunch of pussies.

We are a bunch of spoiled whiners! Very few of us, as a Nation have valid complaints as our number one employer, small businesses, continue to see the chance of reopening slip through their fingers and watch their dreams destroyed. President Trump told the Nation to stay home, and what did the people do? Run out and hoard toilet paper. People are sad and stupid.

I’m stalling on what is really happening, deflecting and I’m sorry. Tough to be honest and real. I’ve carefully put myself back together and the structure is precarious because the mortar hasn’t dried.

Yesterday I had an endoscopy which revealed I had an ulcer. I was in the hospital last week for pancreatitis and one of the test revealed what they thought was and yesterday confirmed. Today they called, now that the anesthesia jas has worn off, to let me know that they found 2 white spots on my esophagus and one in my stomach which they biopsied. Results will be available in 7 to 10 days. EXCUSE ME? You do realize you diagnosed me an ulcer yesterday right? Now you want me to fret for days and make it worse! You are a special kind of STUPID!! FUCK YOU!!!

My mouth cancer started with 3 white dots. I’ve had a lifetime supply of radiation in my mouth. I spent a year on a feeding tube, and I still have problems eating. want to believe and have faith that the biopsies will come back benign. I pray that I won’t have to go through another round, but WHY would they do this to a patient? People can be evil and cruel. I feel like I’m stuck in the book, “People of the lie” by Dr. Scott Peck.

I’ve spent all week helping to get people masks so they can be protected against covid 19. I paid someone to take me down. Ironic!

“Still I won’t let, sorrow bring me way down!” Thank you Dolly!

Why? How? Questions!!!

2000 Masks

For months now I’ve been pulling my hair out, staying up until 5 am, combing  every country trying to get masks to our first responders, grocery workers, anyone who needs them!!!    The Chinese Government took full control of ALL manufacturers who made masks, gloves, and all other personal protective equipment or ppes.  That includes companies like 3M, Johnson and Johnson, Proctor&Gamble, ect.  These products are ALL made in China!  I found a few countries that were making them, but they wanted orders of 100,000 or more and I couldn’t afford that!  China was my only choice and no one could sell to me.  January, February, March passed with no release until April 1, 2020.  On that day, strict codes were put in place, new rules and certification requirements, but they could finally export.  Commercial airplanes are being used to get much needed supplies to the USA.  I made my first purchase that day, 2000 masks.  Watching our people on the frontlines with no protective masks was heartbreaking to me!  This is America, and WE can’t get supplies to the people in need?  Watch me!

So, if you don’t know me, I have an Amazon store.  I’ve learned how to find suppliers, negotiate, and import goods to sell on Amazon.  Everything I sell has no place in today’s Coronavirus quarantine, so my sales have tanked, all of my companies’ sales are in the toilet.  I had just enough money to launch one more product on Amazon, but I felt using that money to help people slow the spread of the virus was more important!  The sooner my friends can get their businesses open, go back to work, and halt the crippling of our society the better.  Masks are a necessary first step!  Getting America back is far more important that me!

People now are questioning me though.  How are you going to pay for them is something I get a lot.  I explain that I am asking for donations, but will give them to anyone who needs them.  I will lose money, but if it saves one life, stops the spread, and helps people I don’t see how I can live with myself not to!  I’ve helped other sellers find suppliers that are legitimate.  The questions are kind of funny to me.  Why wouldn’t I find a way to help?  How can I not put myself in debt if little ol’ me can find a way to get them when Governors are saying they can’t!  All of my companies are designed to help people.  Even my for profit companies are to fund my non profit.  Who am I?  I’m the little train that could!  I could get 2000, so I ordered 10,000 more!  7000 are in the air, on their way!

I’m sitting here with pancreatitis, just released from the hospital.  I begged the Doctors to let me go home to recover, knowing these were coming.  I’m doing this because I care about people!  My friends need masks, need to get back to work, are afraid of losing their homes, falling behind on their mortgage, losing their cars, businesses, out of food, lines at the stores, and simply going crazy!    This is the first package going out, 200 masks to Fred Meyer’s Grocery Store’s Manager.  Although he didn’t donate anything, I know the masks are going to help people who desperately need them.  I have several packages ready to be shipped all over the country and pick ups!  Please, let me stay healthy enough to get these out!!


If you need a mask, you can contact me!

If you want to help, I can take donations through PayPal at or you can make a purchase at  

The masks cost me $1 a piece.  If I get enough, I’d be thrilled to buy more and ship anywhere they need to go!!!

Thank you to all of my friends and family for love and support!


Think about this..a story.

You feel great! Your friends and family are happy and healthy. Then you start to feel a little tickle in your throat. You know you’re coming down with a cold, but have the family to run. Unbeknownst to you 10 days ago you grabbed cereal and on it was a germ.

Don’t worry, you’re young and strong. You get over it in a few days. Easy. What’s the issue? Right?

Now your 6 year old grabs the box a cereal. He is looking for a surprise. Then gets in the car, and hangs up his back pack in the foyer. No more schools this year, yay. 8 hours later, the germ is attached to the older sister who is going to the school kitchen that is making food for the elderly.

Let me assure you, no matter who, why, or where this virus started, this is a HORRIFIC virus.

Don’t EVER give up!

Be safe ❤

Shocking and I’m so sorry again!

I see these posts on social media that make me want to use my new rifle.  The coronavirus is Trump’s fault?  We sent protective gear to help them stop a global pandemic? Some of the posts are hilarious, but others seem quite serious.  I put so many laughable posts on my Facebook page to ease tension.   BUT

Do you know how many people own  their own planes? 4600 private jets fly regularly, the commercial airline planes are sitting idle.  I have a thought.

Why cant we use the private aircraft to quarantine families together, and use the commercial airlines to shuttle supplies and personnel?

This is not the time for politics.  This is not the time to sling arrows.  This is the make it or beak it time.  Help in any and every way you can!   Your defining moment!




What do YOU DO?

Do you go about as though our humanity is not in crisis, people barely hanging on, or do you get UP? FIGHT!

You all popped in to see me spill the NON family secrets. How entertaining for you. NOW put your money where your mouth is!

I just bought 2000 masks to HELP in the effort of the pandemic. No profit, just to hand to St. Al’s and St. Luke’s.

I’m staying home and trying not to be a part of the problem. The unbelievable HATE against me has been tough, but I won’t fall. I actually hold my head higher and my burden feels lifted.

I hope you make amends!

I hope..

If you want to help I can show you how!

And there it is..Pre-quel

The only person in my family who has ever taken an interest in my blog was Aunt Sherry. I feel compelled to make people understand 2 things. 1) She wasn’t with her wife. 2) Her statement was, “If you weren’t my Sister’s daughter, I’d ask you out.” As a teenager, I saw the other side of it. I was a pre-teen. I already had 3 years of molestation, and I took it as a come on. I did talk to Mom years later and explained why her sister’s presence made me uncomfortable. This is not breaking news.


The one great thing about my Stepdad is he never came on to me. As I said in the last post, he is a very generous man. Unfortunately, he generously gave away Mom’s money as well. He gambled away her house, didn’t pay taxes for years, lost her savings, manipulated her to move to the hell hole of the country (Springfield, MO), and pushing her still further to live in a condo that his Stepdaughter manages in Orlando. Now, health problems plague them both and farther away they go. Mom has a plan of visiting her family on the west coast, but there’s no way she should be traveling now. IN FACT, they should not be moving now. A virus is sweeping across this country, but again, no concern for the health of Mother. Even without the virus, travel for either of them is risky.


So, for me in choosing a mate, I had GREAT insight into what makes a great mate! Users, molesters, opportunists, con men, but I thought I could pick out the criminals. Honestly, I became a cliche, and I don’t like it. When you see bad relationships, people hanging on for the worst reasons, listen to the lies over and over, see your mistakes, the patterns, come on people pay attention! Ignorance is not bliss!!!

So I’ve been asked to take the post down. ABSOLUTELY NOT! You don’t like the truth, tough! Charlotte deserves 5 star everywhere she goes! She deserves her son and daughter. The new plan says she can visit 2 times a year. REALLY? This is the deal? When Dad feels well? When Mom feels well? Like it’s all that easy for her to travel? Heck of a deal! Must be nice being around your daughter every day, Mick. I hope she appreciates you! You don’t appreciate yourself and take care of your own health problems, and you have let your wife fall to pieces with no regard. Your Brother, Uncle, Bill, told me to manipulate you to take care of your foot! Like I had the power? HA!


I will not retract my blog, I will not lie and take them down. I gave the actual quote of Aunt Sherry. Uncle Billy and I talked about opening whorehouses in North Dakota, do the math. I was an adult when he made a pass at me. I am not going to lie and tell you I am innocent! My life is not above reproach, clearly.

Dealing with these 2 families, Harris’ gets the win EVERY TIME! I’m incredibly sorry I ever tried to get Mom and Mickey together. I’m sorry you had to be attached to him for so long. I do understand that once you’ve been with someone who beats the shit out of you, anything is better.

I wish I could walk across the street and see if Aunt Lu LU is ok. Wish I could see Jeff and have dinner with him once in a while. The pain this family has suffered is immeasurable, it seems and yet we forge on. Mouths shut, eyes closed, and deaf to reality is the meal we serve each other each and every day.

What do you know?

Screenshot 2020-03-29 22.42.20

I have readers all of a sudden.  Thank you for taking the time out of your quarantine to stop by, and in such numbers!  WOW!  Perhaps I am interesting.  I prayed long and hard after the tears stopped streaming, calmed my blood pressure, and realized I’m making the one mistake I have spent my life trying to avoid!  I did not accept the things I cannot change.  That flew right out the window!  The strong, independent, and intelligent woman that is my normal facade cracked and fell to pieces over the inevitable disaster.

We face a much larger disaster in this country right now, and I should be strong to all 5 of you that normally read my blog.  I should keep the ghosts in the closet, stand up for my Mother by keeping my mouth shut.  She will do what he wants anyway.  I have no power to change them or change the past.  I should be focusing all my efforts on keeping people’s spirit lifted, helping in anyway I can, and not causing chaos in the 3 families.

Therefore, I will take deep breaths, pray for forgiveness for my vulgarity, apologize to my Dad who is a generous man, friend, and I do love him.  They are both culpable, Mom is an adult after all.  I cannot regret how I feel.  I cannot make the fear for Mom’s health go away.  I think about it everyday as I’m sure it was extremely painful for her not to be able to be with me through cancer.

Now, I will focus my efforts on this coronavirus and make sure that the Boise family I’ve made have everything they need and offer help where I can to my family afar.

I pray for the health of you and your family!  Remain strong and vigilant!  #alonetogether we can beat this!  Stay the F@ck HOME!