Bad days hit..

Sometimes you don’t know why, when, or how, but they do. Unless you are completely sociopathic, you look in the mirror and wonder who you are. Reflecting on perhaps the past, how did you get here! Why did this or that happen to me? When did something change? How did I miss it?

I saw my face today. I looks so different, my skin looks odd, while I was getting ready for a witch party I couldn’t see me. It felt like a clown was trying to paste make up on corpse.

Without formaldehyde the decay happens quickly. I couldn’t fill in the cracks fast enough. I can’t do my eyes because I can’t see. I got so frustrated, and the bad day hit. It’s been lurking, just underneath.

Amazon fucking my new business, incompetent dickheads, being belittled, stolen from, lied to, hijacked, are all things contributing to my bad day. Then I look in the mirror, and can’t see me. I kept it together for so long, but I need to acknowledge the bad day just once.

So I’m posting these today! Get them over with!

Some self pity, 😖 hate this!

A few things have got me rattling like a Ford pinto on 3 tires. I went out to the woods hunting. Gazing across monolithic mountain ranges, crisp fall, clean air in my lungs, Mother Nature’s painting in spectacular colors, and all my life, a place of serenity to me. I camped as a child and later as adult with true love for nature! At times in my younger years I actually lived in the woods.

A profound, depressing, and painful new reality exists for me..tinnitus. I was out appreciating the immense view of the beautiful valley from the top of the world when the ringing became so overpowering my head throbbed. Tears sprung to my eyes at this painful intrusion and I wished I would’ve bought the $2500 hearing aids.

For those who don’t know, tinnitus causes a high pitched ringing/screeching in your head. Mine was a gift from chemotherapy. The doctors say I will, “get used to it” just like the loss of eyesight. Maybe when I can’t see the mountains I will no longer be upset about not being able to enjoy their company. 😭

Rant #2

I read inspirational books. I should say I listen now. There was a time when I couldn’t stop reading, but with my eyes so bad reading and writing has actually become painful. So, I’m trying to listen to books now even though ear buds inch like crazy.

I digress. So, I read all these cheerleading business books. They tell me to get out of my comfort zone, believe in myself, take risks, be uncomfortable, dare the unimaginable right? You’ve read one or listened to some one telling you how to achieve. My current one:

You’ve probably heard examples..Bell, Roosevelt, Lincoln, even Schwarzenegger have been used as examples in these discussions. I recently said I would love to sit down with Bezos because innovation fascinates me. Now, I’d like to kick his ASS!!

Here is my problem…I watch all these people go through FBA entrepreneurship with ease, but my company Shop2beat.com is met with one disaster after another because of Amazon’s inept systems. I’m floored this company has made it when I suffer from their neverending mistakes! Then again, they don’t do this to all the sellers.

I know I can do this if just a few things would go correctly at the receiving department’s fulfillment centers. Just do your job, I’m paying for it, and pay me the thousands you owe me for losing my inventory!!😖 I’m taking the chance, believing in myself, working hard, daring to dream and all the other bumper sticker slogans for fuck’s sake! HELP ME!

Rants done.

Back to howling at the moon!

Felt her..

I went to 2 events this weekend. One was the Boise State Relay for Life at the University.



The next day was the Avon Making Strides for Breast Cancer.

Obviously the second event was filled with different energy. The first was indoors on a college campus and of course, the crowd was young . The track was upstairs, the stage downstairs, and it was blissfully warm. Loved it!

The second was outside with all ages and all weather. Rain, wind and hail, but the tried true tested people weren’t all that bothered! I wish we could have been sheltered like the kids the previous night.

Any event that raises awareness for getting a mammogram or vaccine is amazing, and to see all the wonderful men and women stand up, fight, and face their worst fears will always leave me awe! I’m very different in that I lived a large portion of my life praying for death. When I got cancer, I wasn’t all that concerned. The aneurysm, no worries for me. Mom in the other room, so sorry for the person with the short straw there!!!! I have been ready to die for years, please, don’t resuscitate! I don’t want to be kept alive by a machine!

NOT that I am suicidal, but this irrational fear that most people have of returning to dust is comical to me. I’m good to go, no need to counsel me into the great goodnight. Shuffle it off. Going to the grave having lived this life brings me a sense of peace. People may not have agreed with my choices, but I always tried to be a woman of my word and a genuine, good person. I failed a few times, who doesn’t, but I have no reason to hold on. Every goal or dream I had was accomplished, but I know I can do more God willing.

Yesterday, I felt a woman finishing the walk, and I prayed I could forget her. I don’t want to remember her now because everything in my soul wants to wrap her in my arms and let her tears spill. My own cheeks glisten each time I remember her face contorted with pain and anguish. I know my friend feels this way, and everything in me wants to heal this pain.

So many crossed the finish line with a sense of accomplishment, some never stopped walking, there were the healthy people that walk for ANY REASON, some for the glory (come on), but most people walk because they are affected by cancer.  Let me assure you, I am one of those, but I’m also a ball buster! I go to these events with one mission, to inspire self advocacy. If I get one scared, apathetic face to turn the inner light on and fight my day is a success! 

I realize that not many people read this blog. That’s okay. For those that take time to skim my bog, please, reach out, give a bit more, visit more often, because you will regret it if don’t. Maybe your gift is letting someone off the hook for not being there. How often do I hear, “I should have..” My Mom said, “Don’t you dare try to take care of me. Live your life, don’t move me in with you.  That’s what retirement communities are for!”  Love you Mom!

May we all find a way to cope, heal and HELP!!!!

Strike..

I was recently offered a position to be a coach for a company because I had reach a level of expertise in their program and they felt I could be beneficial to their new students. Being the “love to help” person that I am, I agreed to a few hours a day. The job was fun and fulfilling for the first few weeks. Helping people explore their hope for a better life and guide them through obstacles. Listening to their desires, spend more time with their family, quit their awful job, create a new product, and build empires. Giving the guidance they needed to reach all these dreams, to make it attainable, and give hope for such goals was exciting! I loved it.

Then the roadmap for my department changed course drastically, twice. No matter what I said, i would never change the mind of the wizard. So, I gracefully bowed out and moved on. Clearly something was wrong behind the curtain, but my team was crippled by the way it was being changed.

Three people jumped ship in one night. Of course with this added responsibility came no additional compensation which caused turbulence throughout the team. All of a sudden I’m in a corporate mentality all of which we started in the program in order to avoid it.

My thought for the day is simple. The word “NO” is a sentence.

When someone tells you to do something you don’t believe in, say NO! When a doctor gives you a diagnosis you don’t think is right, get another opinion! Stand up for yourself! No one will do it better!!!

Animal rights…

PETA just shot a BEAUTIFUL black cat because she “growled” at them while they were stalking her. They were attempting to take the wild cat alive. WHY were you shooting her with a bullet?

Now they are hunting her babies? WTF? I’m adding the news stories so that there is NO ambiguity!

“Rancher Spots Dog Sized Cat Outside Of Casper

Fish and Game are left scratching their heads after a rancher spotted this dog sized jet black cat on his ranch. Experts have been puzzled as to what exactly this creature is and where it comes from.

The measurements taken from the scene put this cat at around 24.9 inches tall, with paw prints the size of a lab. The rancher said, “I tried to capture the cat alive but it was faster than anything I have seen, that thing must run off speed goat fuel (antelope), I ain’t never seen or heard of anything like this, must be one of them high breads.”

Fish and Game along with biologists, third party trackers and local farmers have setup live traps, along with other methods of scouring the area it was last seen in but with no luck. If you see this cat anywhere you are urged to call your local fish and game at 307-867-5309 with an exact description of the location.”

NEXT STORY

“Strange Cat Spotted Two Days Ago Captured By PETA Members

The strange looking large mystery cat spotted on a ranch yesterday, that sparked a huge search party, was captured and put down by a 35 member PETA crew early this morning.

The groups intentions were to rescue the cat, but after it growled at one of its members, they perceived it as a dangerous species and put it down, to prevent any attacks on the public. The cat has been handed over to state biologists for testing and a full report should be brought forward in 3 to 6 weeks.

Fish and Game rangers said whatever it is, appeared to look like an adult female, possibly looking after 3 to 4 yearling cats and there measurements were spot on, the cat was actually slightly larger than their estimates. PETA says it’s going to track down the rest of the young cats as well, they also stand by their actions on handling the situation and is asking people to continue to donate, so these recovery missions can be possible.

The meat of the animal is being donated to a local homeless shelter.

For full photos of the scene, head over to: http://www.infinitysnews.com”

Are you donating the meat or did you turn her over to the Rangers? You pieces of shit! All of you should go to jail for poaching! All they did was hunt a mountain lion with rare coloring. NOTICE I didn’t say an endangered species? When a hunter harvests an albino deer the human population of self righteous liberals accuse them of killing a unicorn.

Personally, I want to hunt an elk and catch a tuna. They are YUMMY! I eat what I kill. However, I’m now called a terrorist for being affiliated with a group dedicated to responsible gun ownership. WOW!

I’m sure you are right. My guns leave the safe and commit horrific atrocities while I sleep.

I HATE the gun violence in today’s society! However, I KNOW that taking all of them away will never stop a dedicated mass murderer or REAL terrorist. (Unless you have a pencil 🙄 pencils seem to stop gun violence and mass murders.)Just another example of hypocrisy!

A bit of fluff..

On the rerouted flight home due to a hydraulic leak, I find myself next to a physicist who travels across the world to conferences in search of dark matter. He put his computer away for landing, and we started a light hearted conversation. Clearly he is a genius in the scientific field, but we started talking philosophy. Not what I had intended l, I assure you, but we had time to kill.

The responsibility of ultimately finding something so imminently destructive. The impact it would have on the planet. The power to destroy mankind. Does a sceintist worry about the implications? Thse were just some of the “friendly” questions I asked. He informed me that it’s discussed, but the ability to stake claim overshadows thoughts of consequence.

I’m hoping that the hypocrisy is disturbing to someone reading this. The same scientists banging the drum to save the planet are in the race of their lives to find it’s destruction.

So scientists are allowed to pursue, and in most cases subsidized by the government, the planet’s demise…..But loosening regulations to ease the burden of struggling families and small business which MIGHT harm the environment is immoral? They can destroy the world in a blink as long as it’s in the name of science and recognition. Go ahead and blame all the consumers for the destruction of the world. Apparently only Republicans consummed carbon monoxide and voted for special interest groups. Hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Who has the lack of conscience?

It sounds SO GRAND!

My childhood was amazing! My life began with gifts I didn’t know I was lucky to have. Probably 75% of the world’s population would trade with me. Lucky to be in Southern California growing up although as with anything it came with challenges. Laguna Beach is expensive, and even upper middle class feels poor when kids come to school in Porsches and Ferraris.

Having the ocean close, culture galore, full array of ethnicities, and constant entertainment shaped much of me. An occasional serial killer, rapist, missing person, and gay bashing were the crimes of my time. I was raised by a homicide detective who drilled safety and personal responsibility into my core. Mom took me to plays, musicals, concerts, and ballets. We had Disneyland, Sea World, Wild Animal Park, minutes away, and we went! I was a world champion baton twirler and traveled to Chicago and Noter Dame for competitions. My brother was a BMX champion who trained in Pennsylvania.

The great tragedy of my life of course, was the loss of my Father in 1981. Killed suddenly in a plane crash when he was just a young man and I just 7 years old. No matter the practicing, the trips, or the great gifts I was given could fill that void.

After that, we spent part of our summer in Pennsylvania with our Father’s parents. They took us to ALL the historic sites and fun the place had to offer! Liberty Bell, Gettysburg, Williamsburg, Valley Forge, Hershey, but my favorite was when we sailed the Chesapeake, caught blue crab off chicken bones and string, pushed myself off the hull and squished my toes in the silty bay bottom, rowed the dingy all over the bay, slept under the stars and got drenched in beautiful thunderstorms.I smile now remembering those summers.Then back home to epic camping and skiing trips with Aunt Lynda and Lu Lu. Yosemite, Big Bear, Mammoth, Catalina, Brianhead, UT. I was an ok skier, but my Brother was incredible! Mom took us to Aspen one time so Jeff could fly!

All along the California coast was new adventures. Surfing, fishing, volleyball, exploring, swimming, I got a job at a chique cafe where celebrities fluttered in and out undeterred.I was unkind to my Mother as a teenager, as most preteen girls are. My precocious, independent spirit refused all conventional things. I had to graduate 2 years early. I needed to get to college to learn philosophy and become a great actress. Nevermind, I’ll just go work in Hollywood.

In the midst of all this, I was torn and conflicted not understanding who I really was and who I wanted to be. Part of me longed to be an actress, and I had proved to be talented, I worked on TV shows, a few movies, but part of me longed for a simpler life and rejected fame.I have learned to live with this duality, for the most part, albeit it’s a daily torture. When I was younger it caused violent swings. Starting with my sudden move to Springfield, MO. To this day I shake my head and wonder what the hell was I thinking!? The BEST part of moving there was the road trip, with Aunt Lynda and Aunt Lu Lu. Antiquing on the way, stopping at the Grand Canyon to take a helicopter ride, WOW, and Aunt Lynda making a guy on the most wanted list and calling in local authorities to arrest him. The second best part of moving there was my departure from the wretched place.Off to San Francisco I went. This move set a course for my life which led to several poor, desperate choices, heartbreaks, successes, joys, loves, and experiences many dream of, few achieve. Motorcycle trip coast to coast, four trips to Europe, countless trips to Mexico, half a dozen to the Carribean, well over a thousand days at sea, six times driving back and forth across country filled the first half of my life.

That grand upbringing gave me something far more valuable than money, a degree, or success in society’s 401k driven book. It gave me courage to seek many paths and chose several of my own. I was just at a bar in the Portland airport and a woman asked after I gave her a snip of what I have done, “What do you do for a living that allows you to live this life.”“Everything and anything I want or need to.” Is my answer. The sad woman lives in Maui, and is miserable. MOVE!!! My husband is the breadwinner and he’s still working. I’m not going to touch a statement like that as tears well in her eyes. How may people would love to have her life? What is the point if you are miserable?

I’ve risen and fallen, lived a decadent life and a desperate one, I’ve poured my heart into it and almost given up, but I’ve lived! The challenges have been tough; I’ve fought hard! More than once I’ve heard you CAN’T do that. My coaches words always whispered in my head, “Don’t tell me what you can do..show me!”So I do!