As this day passes, another year around the sun, I realize that my choices in life have been largely selfish.   I’m not surprised, finding no confidence in my ability to care for and raise another.  Who am I to criticize procreators except that children for the most part are intolerable to me.  Recognizing it’s not their fault, zoned out, stoned out parents flood the supermarkets, airplanes, and restaurants with undisciplined ankle biters.   Perhaps if I had seen a better example as a child I would have braved motherhood., but thankfully I didn’t unleash my DNA onto the public after seeing the true horror children and adults inflict on each other. I prefer dogs to children, and selfishly love the unconditional love they give! My beloved A.J. passed over 5 years ago, and thanks to covid my dog sitting business went belly up. For the next decade or so, I will have Gunner and Beary keeping me company and showering me with love come rain or shine.

40 years ago on this day I wished for my own death.   I didn’t understand the changing rules of my family after my Father’s death.  Raised in California I knew of earthquakes.  We had drills in school where we hid under our desks until the fake quake passed.  Then we would line up in formation under a blue sky.  I felt the deep, unstoppable, shaking rolling through my family as roads buckled and connections split.  My roads and intersections would never be the same. 40 years later and I’m still crawling for every inch. Another year of vast changes, huge losses and gains, and one year further from that fucking disease that tried to end me!

At the age of 3 I became a competitor, at 7 I was made a fighter who hated battle, inconceivable mountains and valleys, and at 43 a SURVIVOR!

At 47 I am not worried about the little things.  My body betrays my weakness at times, and pain can take over my personality, but thankfully it passes.  I’m happy that I’ve lived a life of adventure, only settling down in a place that is as wild as my spirit.  Still, my beloved Gem is the diving board to the next adventure pool!  My bucket list may be complete, but I won’t stop.  My craving for exploration never diminishes!  Off I go to the next year!

I hate this month..I give to others so I don’t have to think about my Father, pretend to look happy on my birthday, and suck it up for the many things I’ve lost in my Novembers.  Proving no exception on November 6th I had to let go of my happy place

When I first moved to Idaho in 2004 I came apon a fisherman who gave me a crash course in steelhead catching.  In this magical little town north of Boise, Idaho I found strength, creativity, happiness, love, clarity, and I KNEW I would live there someday.   Eight years ago I did live there for a short time, but my dream of being a bad ass old geezer in a side by side, raising hell until I died would have to be let go.  I wrote books there, made friends, buried loved ones, hunted, fished, and will continue to visit my beautiful beloved canyon.  Unfortunately, living out my final days there aren’t meant to be. 

Since going back to work I have been haunted.  I have voices in my head, gut, and dreams telling me that I am forging a dangerous path, and am in the wrong place.  All I have done in the past, never have I felt Aunt Lynda jump out of her grave,  bitch-slap me, and turn her back in DISGUST!   I’m wracked with shame, almost daily, and that’s because I have days off!

Just as I was about to chuck this November perhaps job too up to another colossal WTF, a sliver of light from the most unlikely place crept in, and I was given an ah ha moment.  Light dawned. No WAY can I call tonight a coincidence!  Three moments merged into one and I know that today I was on the right path.

One, tonight was supposed to be my night off but I filled in.  Two, I spoke with a fellow mermaid fisherman that reminded me of my Aunt Lu Lu so I called her, and just as we were finishing our chat Aunt Lu Lu said exactly what I told my fellow mermaid Sista.  Third, I spoke with a total stranger who knew the Pastor that buried my Father.  This man never stepped foot in California, didn’t know where I was from,but here I was talking to a complete stranger and his wife about their child and they knew the Pastor that I sat in front of every Sunday, the name of the private school and just like the moon last night, a sliver of hope crept through my blackening heart.

As Aunt Lu Lu says, “He only gives us what we can bear.”

For the first time since I bonded the first sexual deviant out of jail and threw up, more than once, I understood why I am here.

I hope the Father heard me.  His child is being abused and I hope he heard her. I prayed and have hope!

Follows me everywhere. From childhood I tried to meet everyone’s expectations. What terrifies me is that I’m now 46 and my fingers quiver under the scrutiny of my new boss. Like a child, I’m scared I won’t be good enough.

I still agonize unable to meet my husband’s expectations. Everything that breaks is my fault. I want to be a great wife but how when everything that goes wrong lands on my shoulders? Why would ANYONE want to hurt a person that loves them and hopes to make each day better?

Some things in life don’t make sense to me.

I have this traumatizing fear of doing anything wrong that it cripples me. I fear the damning repercussions. I know this about myself. Even cancer can’t cure the desperate need to be perfect all the FXCKING time even though it’s impossible. When I was young not being perfect was painful.

I wish in my personal life I could find compassion and love every day.

I wish I could count on being the recipient.

Guess I set the bar too high in life.

In an effort to charge ahead in doctrinization covid world I pursued a job I once loved, and was hired. The company had changed from the ideal to somewhat less desirable since I first applied, but more lucrative. Not interested in the changes I didn’t push the interview hoping something else would provide. If only one of my companies had survived the pandemic, but not meant to be.. I conceded my covid catastrophe and got the, not so desirable, job of my dream.

Fighting through some of my body’s resistance to the change I soldiered on to be my best, do a great job, and be a team player. Just a little over 4 months in the job I am beginning to realize it’s much like being married to my ex.

“This person will screw you over, but I won’t. ” “This person will do “this” to you, so watch out.” Excuse me, you just did exactly what you said they would do. Like my ex saying I was cheating on him when it was him screwing around. The narcissist playbook 101.

I was furious that so soon out of the gate the veil was lifted, several times actually, but such is life. I will get seething mad for a moment but then I find myself morose that we can’t, as a species be greater to one another. I am not always, but try to be better than pettiness, jealousy, and greed.

Now inspiration hits and I MUST get to sleep. Have to wake up in a few hours to go to Mexico and see my dentist. My mind and body won’t shut down. The fun fishing thrill won’t disapate and my mind is firing on all cylinders. SUCH a night person.

Emotions flood into me no matter how hard I try to plug the holes. Each time I come I’m happy to go home and each time I’m happy leave home. Quite the conundrum!

Now, I must sleep. What a wonderful day!!

So guess what..I’m not perfect 😳

I never thought that this was up for discussion. Mom has always informed me of my imperfections which is her job, even a right, I suppose. I inturn have held her accountable for hers. She doesn’t care for the way I’m handling my illnesses, and I am not fond of her choices as a Mother. Guess we are even.

Mom’s a big girl, as am I, but I found myself in need of help this week and who did I turn to? Facebook. How fxcked is that? I couldn’t turn to close friends or family because there was no one there. I know I use vulgarity to keep my emotions in check because crying is not an option. It’s inappropriate for certain, but when you have to use a 4 letter word rather than blow your nose, 4 letter word every TIME!!!

So, Mom says I’m “softer” when I’m kind and loving. SO IS A PUPPY!! Careful, that pup will destroy your $1000 boots in seconds. Of COURSE I’m softer when I’m kind and caring. I’m also a pain in the ass when I’m in terrible pain 😱 SHOCKER!!!

In no way was I trying to catch more bees with honey..they STING..HELLO! I’m not surprised anymore. Always wanted $20 from people that had $5 to give. What baffles me is that the $5 people get a say in the $20 life. You have to ante up first. That goes for everyone!

SO..I’m in pain right now! 🖕I am trying to go back to work. Have NO doubt that criticism is going to go over like a pregnant poll vaulter! NO ONE has the right to judge me and I’m sad that so many do.

Happy 4th of July!

During covid I was still in and out of my UPS Store. I know my people there, and look at them like my employees, keeping my little companies sending out my sales. A new guy was hired, Justin, who had just moved to Idaho with his wife from New York. He was frustrated that he couldn’t get a hair cut. I made sure he got one.

Months later he reached out and said his life had turned to the worse and he needed some money to keep himself off the streets. I knew he worked six days a week at UPS, he wasn’t a slacker! After discussing it with my husband Bruce, we gave him money so he wouldn’t be homeless and lose his job.

This isn’t a great time for us financially, but we did it. He swore to pay it back next paycheck, but I told him to find a place to live, pay us back when he was flush.

A few weeks ago I asked where Justin was, and my friend said he was going through some personal issues but would be back to work.

I received a few voice messages from him. He had a heart attack, died, but was brought back to life, and had been in ICU. I never spoke to him, but texted that I hoped he would continue to improve.

Found out today, he passed from another heart attack. Justin had a new apartment, got his driver’s license, a car, and was supposed to be back to work Tuesday.

Last person I loaned money to, Lee a Co worker, took his own life.

When will I stop trying to help people? I hope I never close my heart to my fellow man! I am however, heartbroken that I couldn’t save someone. Wish I had more power!

I’m down in San Diego going to my dentist in Tijuana on Thursday, so I HAD to go fishing of course! It’s early in the season so my normal boat, the Producer hasn’t been “on line” meaning running. They start running trips tonight, but I have to be in Mexico tomorrow. Breaking from my normal routine, my dear friend Danny Wade procured me a spot on the Grande with Captain Alec out of H&M Landing.

The Grande is a 3/4 day boat instead of my normal day trips that I prefer. She leaves at 5:30 am and returns to the dock at approximately 7 pm. Normally I get on the boat the night before, we drive all night so I wake up at 5 am where the fish are.

I’m alone, and there’s 33 people on the boat. I don’t know anyone, but I’ve fished thousands of times and know the routine. First thing the crew did was take my poles and put them on the boat. Never seen that before, but they were signing everyone in before we boarded so having hands free was convenient. EVERY boat I’ve fished or worked on we sign in in the galley. I immediately saw this as a brilliant plan. No more chasing anglers all over the boat so we can leave on time. I should’ve thought of that!

I put my gear away and settle in for the long boat ride to the tuna. I see that they left the bunks open and am shocked. Why would they do that? If people use them they have to replace the pillowcases, and you don’t need to do that on a trip where people aren’t spending the night. This creates extra work for the crew, but is no doubt a HUGE perk for the fisherman! I’ve never seen a crew go the extra mile like this!

The day is beautiful, water so calm you can hardly tell water from sky.

Then we get out to the grounds, and first stop I hook up and catch the first Bluefin Tuna! A crew member, Ash, was by my side the whole time! That’s normal. We get it on board, and after the photo the deckhand gills and guts it immediately getting all the warm blood out thus preserving the meat better! I have ONLY seen this on long range trips. Typically the fish are just tagged and dropped in the fish hold.

Then I order a cheeseburger and I’m shocked to see a half pound patty! It was DELICIOUS with butter toasted bun. I wish my mouth would’ve been able to handle the BBQ Chicken Ranch Burrito. OMG if only I had salivary glands!!! Christian had one and says it’s the BEST boat food he’s ever had!!! WOW! He works on another boat!!!!

Little things can add up to make a big difference! I’m so impressed with the boat and it’s crew that I HAD to share with you! Great boat, GREAT burger, and FANTASTIC crew!!! Want to fish this boat again for SURE!

THANK YOU GRANDE!!!

I am going to meet a bunch of new business owners tomorrow and I’m stressing.

What to wear? Not this, I get that!

I do own a fishing company but I’m guessing these guys won’t like this either

I feel like Jim Carey…WHAT TO WEAR?