May never know…

When I see your black soul I pray for the loving light to fill it..you may never know.

When you are down I send energy to help you rise…you may never know.

When others speak ill of you I praise your qualities…you may never know.

When disagreement turns to hate i wish happiness fills your heart..you may never know.

When i see your cup empty i try to fill it..you may never know.

The reason you will never understand.. I love you

Only kindness matters..

Too important..

I spend a part of almost each day trying to offer some help to patients and survivors of cancer and aneurysms.  Reading this made me think of most of my conversations. You don’t need to be critically ill with some disease to have this feeling. You need to know, we ALL have this feeling!!!

For the exhausted woman who showers a few minutes longer to cry with the water…

For the woman hiding in the bathroom, because she needs a few minutes of tranquility while slipping tears from her eyes.

For the woman who is so tired that she feels she can’t continue, that she would give anything to feel like herself again…

For the woman who cries in her room when everyone leaves the house and for a moment she let’s go…

For the woman who desperately battles with self Confidence when wearing denim pants because she wants to look pretty and wear them to feel better but everything just climbs over or can’t close…

For the woman who orders pizza for dinner because she didn’t have the time to make dinner again as she expected… Because she’s tired.

For the woman who feels alone, even when she’s accompanied.You’re worth a lot.
You are important.
You are enough.
You are wonderful…
God loves you!
I love you…💯

Land of the free, is it?

The Trump supporters are the bravest Americans in the United States next to our first responders. Every day they put a sign out, put a sticker on their car, or wear an article of clothing they open themselves to hate, vandalism, and violence.

I listened to an African American Trump supporter and he says there are hundreds, but they can’t express themselves because of BLM and like minded haters. Expressing their beliefs is out of the question. He says these Trump supporters are Republican and Democrat, but they don’t blame the President for bad cops, school shootings, or covid. What they do know is Trump is trying to help them more than ANY other President! He’s given more opportunities to minorities through education and jobs!

I have a Trump hat that I would LOVE to wear. Each time I have to weight the pros and cons. Do I want to have someone spit in my face, refuse to serve, or worse hit me? WHEN did it become okay to instill the intimidation and fear the left does?


To the BRAVE, CORAGEOUS, TRUMP SUPPORTERS who want to drain the swamp and see a President fight for YOU, I COMMEND YOU! Let your flags fly!

I know and accept the fact that my house may be vandalized!
Exercising the right and freedom!

Biden Story

Here is a story you don’t want to miss.
Joe Biden and his first wife, Neilia, had three children: Hunter, Beau and Naomi.
In 1972, Neilia and Naomi, died in a car accident. Joe eventually married a woman named Jill (his current wife).
He already knew her because she had been Hunter’s babysitter at the time of the car accident. (Yeah, THAT seems normal- marry the babysitter). They had a daughter named Ashley. Ashley lives ‘a quiet life’ and is frequently in and out of rehab for various substance abuse issues.


Now sadly, the sanest, most normal one of the 3 surviving kids, Beau, dies in 2015 from a brain tumor. He had been married to Haillie and they had 2 children, a boy and a girl named Natalie, who was 11 yrs old when her dad died.


Enter Hunter Biden, in 2015, to “comfort” his brother’s widow. Mind you, Hunter is married at the time, to Kathleen Biden, since 1993. He starts screwing around with his dead brother’s wife in 2015…his wife Kathleen finds out about it and they separate. Hunter moves in with his dead brother’s wife, Haillie,and her two kids and they have a grand old time. He ultimately gets divorced from Kathleen in 2017. Meanwhile, he starts screwing around with a stripper, while still shacking up with his dead brother’s wife, before his divorce is finalized, and gets the stripper pregnant. Haillie kicks his butt to the curb supposedly for this indiscretion in 2018. He denies the stripper’s baby is his, although a paternity test proves otherwise and eventually he marries a woman named Melissa in 2019 after knowing her for 6 days…
Does the tale end there? Why no, no it doesn’t.
That just sets the stage…


Enter the laptop from hell…loaded with emails, text messages, photos, child pornography, videos, and other sordid digital images of drug use and rampant weirdness….
Hunter Biden dropped the laptop off in Delaware, his home state, to get it repaired. It seems he dropped it in some water while in a meth-induced state of mind. He then neglected to pay the $85.00 repair fee and the laptop became the repair shop owner’s property for non-payment. When the owner saw what was on it, he was ao disturbed that he contacted the FBI. No response. The DOJ? No response. Eventually, it landed in Rudy Giuliani’s possession and he turned it over to the Delaware State Police AFTER making 4 copies of the hard drive. Turns out, there’s quite a lot of child pornography on there…much of it involving children on Hunter’s many trips to China. The Chinese Communist Party uses this as a blackmail tactic… They supply the young girls, they film you, unknowingly, and then they can keep you “in line”, while paying you the big $$$ to do their bidding, like lucrative deals with your VP father.


Millions of dollars were paid to Hunter Biden for favors with the US Govt while Joe Biden was VP under Obama.
For 8 years Hunter made the contacts and split the money with his father, referred to as the “Big Guy” in all emails detailing how their ill gotten gains would be split up amongst all the criminals involved.


Joe Biden sold out his country and used his meth head son to do it. …
But, IT GETS WORSE. Today, on the laptop, emails were released between Beau Biden’s widow, Haillie, and Joe Biden in 2017 and more in 2018 when she and Hunter were still living together. They were casually talking about the continual “sexually inappropriate behavior” she had witnessed from Hunter toward her 14 year old daughter, Natalie, HIS NIECE!..
She told Joe that she felt she had put her children in a dangerous situation by getting involved with Hunter Biden. Joe knew his son was screwing around with his niece and he advised his daughter-in-law to go to therapy…..No one went to the police and the abuse escalated. THAT is the main reason she broke off her relationship with Hunter. Among the pictures of Hunter having sex with young Asian children, there were hundreds of provocative pictures of a 14 year old girl, mainly topless, and hundreds more of Hunter Biden, in sexual poses with her, HIS NIECE. She was 14 yrs old and HE WAS 48!!

Rocked me…

I was just walking to the mailbox.  I can’t remember exactly why this came out of my mouth, but ever since i said it, I’ve been holding back tears.  They needed to fall.  The stress has been unbearable the last few weeks and I have endured it as the trooper I am.  I need a cry.  I need Moonlight and Valentino but it’s in Alabama.  Yes, I’m avoiding this horrible thought,  I feel awful thinking it let alone repeating it, but it rocked me to my core.

Like a bandaid I’m going to rip it off…

“I hope my Mom dies before me so she won’t have to suffer the pain of losing a child. ”

We all know the natural order. Most of you know how sick I’ve been. I don’t want Mom to have to endure losing my life although she would do it well. I’d hate for her to feel that pain.

Night before my mouth surgery to get as much cancer as they could.

When they were prepping me for brain surgery I told the team, “Don’t worry about me dying D.N.R (DO NOT RESECITATE). I’ve lived an AWESOME life, but Mom’s in the waiting room and she’ll kill ya! RUN!” I can only imagine how afraid she was, and I was trying to make everything a joke.

Night before brain surgery

Her first husband died in an airplane crash and her best friend, my Godmother, lost her battle with cancer, I pray she doesn’t have to let her children go. She doesn’t deserve that! So, while I don’t want to lose Mom, I also don’t want her to lose me.

I’m trying to take her out on the town after surgery

I hope she doesn’t lose one of her children 🙏

True love may be hoping the pain lands on your shoulders, but I’m scared those shoulders won’t be mine.

I love you Mom!

Class alone..

Been trying for 6 days to find the perfect song or poem to show my gratitude to the staff at the Bay Club Hotel and Marina.  I struggled to find the words myself so why should I hope others could? 

First thing Tammy Garbini did was help me get a room.  This is COVID 19 in California, not so simple a task!  I started my first bartending job at the Bay Club in 1996. Brandi Johnson got me the interview with the then restaurant Manager Sandy. One of the BEST people and he gave me a job!

I LOVED working there with the influx of marina and hotel customers, tourists, and concert goers from Humphreys next door.

Humphrey lunch alfresco

Dining alfresco led to a broken tooth for me, first one. I have had perfect teeth ALL my life so I went into panic mode, texted my friend Timm who had the same cancer as I, and rushed into see his dentist. $5000 for 2 front teeth, ummm yeah, no. Tammy got me with another AMAZING staff member who got me straight to a PHENOMENAL dentist South of the border who saved 2 dozen of my teeth! My HERO!!!

The new staff, it’s been 20 years since I’ve worked there, is AMAZING! Above and beyond is the only way to put it!

AWESOME!!

This phenomenal woman is about to finish her Bachelor’s in Business Management, but her REAL gift is reading minds! I saw her do it! I wanted seared tuna because I had been at the dentist all day. I needed protein! She immediately said, “Let’s leave the spices off for you.” Umm, how did you know..she read my mind! I saw her do it again my last day.

“Can I get you a glass of wine?” She said. The total stranger who sat down in shock,

“Yes please.” I won’t bore you but she picked the perfect wine. Tamika is AWESOME!

The front desk helped me so far above and beyond!!!

I know you might be thinking I’m prejudice, but these people didn’t know me! I wasn’t supposed to stay 2 weeks, so I needed laundry, clothes, room cleaned, food, ice, and they were ALWAYS there to help!!!

Last night
My room view
From the other side..restaurant

The staff is warm, helpful and kind! Better than most 5 star resorts in the world, and I’ve been to MANY! Their reviews didn’t do this well!

Be warm and generous, because you never know who is staying, watching or writing. Then again, it shouldn’t matter EVER!

The boys back there have been renovating

Thank you Bay Club! Every hotel in San Diego should follow in your footseps! You are in a class of your own!

Redemption…

Somedays you know..you just know. On Friday the dentist extracted 3 teeth, fit me with a temporary flipper for the bottom teeth, and sent me back to the USA. I was given specific instructions and just couldn’t follow ANY of them. I had to redeem myself. So, I went catching! The boat had been pulling in fish for 4 days without while I went to Mexico fixing my cancer radiation rotted teeth. I needed redemption from the previous weekend catching one small fish.

It’s a baby skipjack tuna, one of 5 fish caught between 25 people

So on Friday night I went out with a great group for a day and a half trip. These fabulous people get together every year to remember a man they all loved who passed away. Even though my mouth was throbbing I am thrilled I ignored the doctors orders and met these wonderful people from all over. I’ve been invited to go next year, and I can’t wait!

Nice Dorado
We caught some fish!
My favorite fish to catch! Mahi Mahi for dinner!

Insecurity maybe?

In 2018 I was told that all my teeth would rot and fall out.  Radiaton destroys enamel and kills salivary glands so bye bye teeth.  They’ve eroded. Despite my best efforts to stop the decay, cancer wins!  I came down to San Diego to fish and relax without drama. First day, tooth falls out of my mouth over lunch.  So much for a relaxing vacation 😌   Not one to have teeth problems, knowing this time was coming, grim reality had yet again arrived thanks to my 2 best friends..warm welcome everyone, coming to the stage…

RADIATON and CHEMOTHERAPY!

I knew what I had to do of course.  Just wish I had more time.  4 to 5 years is the recommend time before messing with mush mouth (chemo/radiation fallouy). Wish I could salvage the pretty teeth I had been born with.  Since covid 19 who cares though, we all have to wear a mask.  Now’s as good a time as any to have teeth fixed.  Silver lining  AND in San Diego to boot!

Yesterday I got an estimate far above my budget, the treatment plan was precise, effective for the 2 teeth, and made me think about how to sell my kidney,  SERIOUSLY!!! 2 teeth = $5 grand YIKES!  I had heard from many others approximately 45k for the whole mouth, but at this estimate $80,000 dollars by the end.  I don’t think so scooter!!!  Strangely enough I knew what I had to do, but more importantly I felt (unlike me) scared.

20 years ago was the last time I crossed the San Ysidro border on foot into Tijuana, Mexico.   Back then I lived a few minutes away on a boat, but I always drove across accept once.  Apparently the entire border had been replaced in my absence so navigation was foreign.   Honestly, I hmmd and hawd about the appointment South of the border.  I NEVER worried about the dentist!  Just wanted to arrive safe, on time, but anxiety had set in.  The fear of the unknown, the pain, crossing alone, crossing BACK! I even went to Ross to buy better clothing for the occasion.

  At 10:00 am I let my friend know I was heading down, and the wonderful Rosie was there to see me off to her cousin, Dr. Garcia my new Dentist.

Here I go again on my own lol

Got to admit I called my bud, Frank 3 times because I couldn’t find where I was supposed to park on the USA side, got lost in a 5 mile radius, but 3 times it went straight to voicemail.  Let’s just say the day before we had a “failure to communicate”.

I’m mad at myself for being scared! That’s not me! The Dentist and his team are PHENOMENAL! Dr. Garcia built a plan that will help me for years to come! I came back over the border, to the hotel, ate (always a miracle), and after 4 hours of dental work today I feel great (no drugs)!

Not familiar with this kind of trepidation, when I go back across on Thursday will there be that feeling?

Attitude..

What a difference a day makes. I should say one person can make!  On Friday night I boarded the Producer for the first of 2 off shore deep sea fishing trips leaving from H and M Landing in San Diego.  The boat leaves at 9 pm and comes in typically around 7 pm the next evening.  25 passengers get on and off each night.  The vessel drives to where the Captain hopes to catch the most fish for the passengers based on experience and intelligence gathered from the rest of the fleet, probably 40 active fishing vessels each night.

Frank, my Captain hasn’t had a day off in 70 days.  Think about it.  No days on land, trying each day to bring people to fish in the biggest ocean on the planet, praying when he finds them they will bite, AND he will have anglers that know how to catch fish or at least follow the crew’s instructions.  EVERY DAY! 

Captain Frank Brenha Jr. looking for fish for 15 hours each day.

What could go wrong, right?  Weather. The first day there were large swells and five seasick passengers.  The second day we had PERFECT conditions and one lady who had NEVER been fishing before was sick.  If you want to go fishing there are half day boats I recommend trying first before committing to 22 hours of misery.

Day 2 gorgeous weather!

Fish don’t want to bite.  Both days we had this problem.  The first day we headed South into Mexican waters and came back with 6 fish.  I had one briefly on the troll but it came off.  It’s called a short bite. 

The boats that fished North had nice bluefin bites.  It took 3 more hours to get there, burning an extra $2000 in fuel approximately, and cutting 5 hours off of fishing time to head North to San Clemente Islands.   Most one day boats won’t bother.  The numbers don’t add up, but when that’s where the fish are what choice do you have?  Unfortunately, they wouldn’t bite.  We had 5 fish for the day.  I caught one very small skipjack tuna. 

Little skipjack
The rest of the fish from day 2.

I’m going to skip a few things and jump to the biggest factor that changes any trip and that’s people! The first day there were a better caliber of anglers all around. Most had a good to excellent equipment, knew what to do, and even though fishing was slow, took the day in stride, and had fun.

That’s a custom wrap job on a passenger’s rod day 1.

One guy, Mike, was so upbeat and just happy to be there that it was infectious. I said to the Captain that on slow days it’s nice to have a positive guy like him. Keeps up everyone’s morale. We tried to find fish until the very end, and not only was it well known by all thanks to Mr. Mike Morale, the passengers were grateful for the effort. Only one guy was a drunk idiot when he got on board and we barely saw him the next day. Highly rare by the way. On a Friday there’s typically a handful of overindulgent weekend warriors.

Day two was a different story. More than a handful had inappropriate equipment, had no idea what they were doing, and hadn’t bothered to learn even the most simplest of tasks like how to tie on a hook, bait said hook, or work their equipment. With all the TV shows, YouTube videos, and podcasts’ available it ASTOUNDS me people would pay $300 just to get on the boat completely ignorant of the activity they were embarking on.

Right off the bat a loud-mouthed know it all started flapping his gums about all he knew and how upset he was that the boat was headed North. I explained that we were heading that direction because it was the best place to catch fish according to the fleet’s numbers. Boats there caught fish, and the three boats South did not, us included. He went on an on about how he couldn’t catch bluefin tuna due to his crones disease. Not sure why he was on an offshore boat, because that’s the FIRST species we’re after. On and on he went throughout the ENTIRE trip complaining to EVERYONE about how unhappy he was. Lucky for him the tuna didn’t bite because his focking bass reel would’ve gotten spooled and smoked the bearings.

He thought we should anchor up at the island even though the U.S. Navy was doing LIVE fire exercises and we were supposed to stay 20 miles away.

This is the back of the douches’ head.

For the people who didn’t know any better they listened to his endless negativity and thought the Captain made some grievous error in judgment by going North. I hopped from sheep to sheep trying to undo his lies feeling like I was trying to convince them my politician was doing the right thing. I’ve never in my life met a fishing boat Captain that didn’t do EVERYTHING in his power to catch FISH! This snot nose little fxckhead with the nose ring ruined a damn nice day at sea for a lot of passengers!

As for me, I was sorry for my friend, Captain Frank, who I know was frustrated and tired. The crew who had held heavy gyro binoculars for 16 each day looking for fish and didn’t deserve to hear his shit. I was grateful for the previous day and the great people on board. I wish I could’ve gone back out and wiped today off the books. I told each person that I would be happy to go out again even if I KNEW I wouldn’t catch a fish! Attitude is everything! I LOVE going fishing!

New fisherman Debbie and Dora Downer to the left, Liz and I on the right.
Liz, long time friend and I having a great time trolling!

Piece by Peace

The day started so well..

My excitement had me awake 30 minutes before the alarm went off at home in Boise.  I was at the airport 30 minutes earlier than I needed to be.  Finally after the pandemic, I was going fishing in San Diego and seeing the people I have loved for 25 plus years!  Everything went AMAZINGLY WELL! 

Taking off

First class ticket for $250, AWESOME, rental car $16/day, incredible room ( privileged info as ex-employee), no lines, anywhere, and it couldn’t be more perfect!

Rental car bus all to myself.
Beautiful room with a view

Spent a little time at the pool

Had lunch with a fabulous friend ALL before 1pm!  What an AMAZING DAY!

The birds were happy, I was happy

Then halfway through a fabulous fish taco I crunched down on something hard and my drama free vacation changed.  Radiaton caught up with me again.  I was told that radiation would destroy the enamel on my teeth and they would have to be replaced.  Until the fish taco I had all my original teeth.  The crunch was a piece of the loss of my first tooth.  Hello drama.  SHIT!  Does 2020 want something else?  Kidney perhaps?  No problem!  I have insurance for that!  Now instead of enjoying my little getaway I have to get to Tijuana and find a Dentist.

I did get on the Producer out of H and M landing, and am laying in my bunk letting the roll of the ocean infuse my body with peace and serenity.   I will handle the other piece on Monday but for the next few days I will enjoy my beautiful Pacific and see if she will let me catch a few fish 🐟 😉