I think, do I?

2019…What a year so far. January in Belize, start nonprofit in February, fishing tournament, San Diego, Cancun, start FBA, learn said FBA (work in progress darling), writing book, Andy’s Animals, Italy, Doctors, therapy, family illness, Relay for Life, first big speech, and now gratefully the CBD company. Half of said year has gone by in a blink.

Friends have been lost and made, health up and down, money here and gone, but what a ride! I’m tired in the best possible way! If I wake up tomorrow it will be filled with a plethora of tasks, but if not I wouldn’t regret a minute!

I’ve fumbled and bumbled this year, but I lived and learned. Still I wish for life and love. Cry in sadness, smile with joy. I want to give it my all, and I hope you will follow! Energy is AMAZING! I’ll share!

Can I

Can I have my stuff?A toy that brings me so much joy? The one I refuse to share.

Can I have my room? A place to be alone?

Clean it up, everything in it’s place.

Can I have my space?I’m so suffocated?

Why do you tell me who to be and where to go?

I can’t live with you telling? Do it better than you. I will! Let me go.

You told me I should and I would need so many things.The house to hide under as it sinks me to the ground.

Furniture must fill to appease the crowd. Family barely waiting for me to arrive.

Pay my bills and taxes. Dress, spic and span, everything that vexes.

Wish I had less. Did I need it ALL?

Alone I stare at these 4 walls..the dream I left behind.

Giving the best that I could to no one who ever would.

They’ll cry for me those rotten tears.

I’ll cry for me the forgotten years.

Scan away..

Another PET scan..woo hoo. I’m surprised I don’t glow green. I’ve had more scans than I can count, but I think this makes 5 PETs. The only bitch about them is you have to sit in a room for an hour while the juju courses through the blood stream. No eating certain foods, drinking only clear fluids, just fun stuff all the way around.

Ok, now they’re saying I don’t have a scan. Great, I skipped breakfast for nothing. I still have other appointments so at St. Al’s waiting for labs. (Blood test.) I think of all the time I spent here last year. Easily 1/4 of the year, just spanned throughout. It’s nice to see all my friends here, although I prefer it outside the hospital like at the Relay for Life. Needless to say, I’m here to pick and poke.

Low and behold they do want a scan, just doing a ct scan instead, and at 4 PM. Just where you want to be before rush hour traffic. The hospital..ugg. Yet as the dutiful patient I am, I go for the test. They plunge the iodine in and it makes you warm and fuzzy all over. Makes you feel like you peed your pants. SERIOUSLY! The first one I had the nurse failed to mention it, and I was afraid to stand up after. I would have bet good money that I peed my pants. These are quick, took 15 minutes and I was barreling through town to beat the rush.

Traffic in Boise has reached major city status in the last 2 years. People keep pouring in by the thousands, and don’t think how they are corrupting this small town, turning it into the place they are fleeing from. I would say wait, until they’ve poured in and perhaps housing costs in Southern California will go back to reasonable prices, but that’s NEVER going to happen.

Ok, so result day. First nurse down, vitals look awesome, second nurse down, went over prescription refills, and now the wait for…drum roll please..

The RADIOLOGIST!

My savior, the woman who burned my mouth up until the cancer was GONE! (Along with the skin covering my jaw bone, but that’s ok!) The reason I will most likely die of skin cancer, because I have had my lifetime exposure to radiation. Better hope I don’t get it again or I will end up like Beth Chapman who sadly passed away yesterday. For those of you who don’t know, Beth was the President of the Bail Association while I was a bail bondsman. She and her husband, Dog the Bounty Hunter, had a TV show about recovering fugitives. She was a strong, powerful woman who beat Cancer in 2017, only for it to return the following year. She will be missed by a large, loving family, and my prayers go out to them.

This is why I GET EVERYTHING CHECKED! SO SHOULD YOU!!!! She felt something was wrong for 2 months and ignored it. NEVER ignore your body. Pay attention and talk to a Doc! Not sure about the treatment? Talk to another Doc! Don’t be afraid to get multiple opinions!!!

All clear on the cancer front..thyroid is VERY bad. We are working on fixing!

Hodge podge..

Mixed weekend, but bold! Friday was GREAT! I was sick to my stomach all day, but I tried to get rest knowing that a big night was ahead. Sorry, THAT was fantasy land, no refund. I’ve been looking forward to my first speech. Trepidation entered my mind briefly, but in all honesty I have wanted to embark on this journey for years. I want and should help people to charge of their disease if I can

I rushed the speech a bit, but all in all it was a good start. I pray one person hears it, and pushes to help themselves! I wish I had fought harder to keep my spot as the opening speaker, because I would have reached more people but the universe has a way. I’ll trust it.

I was blessed seeing so many of my caregivers and knowing thier love carried past my treatment. I love them, and it’s incredible that they still even remember the pain in the butt! I know they have hundreds of people to care for, and I’m humbled.

Through pain, worry, exhaustion, Team Andy held up, BLESS YOU!!!

Saturday was my first time going to the Boise Music Festival. I had never been, and it was good. I visited with an old friend, listened to good bands, laughed at the drama, tried a new tattoo, ate a small hot dog, and had a GREAT tarot card reading next to my dear friend.

I wanted to fish this morning, but my alarm didn’t go off so I started packing my guns. I’ve been terrified of shooting since chemo left me with tinnitus, loud noise hurt and brain surgery left me half blind. How could I possibly shoot my guns? I bought one so that I wouldn’t give up, price tag motivation haha. 30 06 Remington with a Leopold scope called my name, and I was going to try damn it! I want to hunt again!

So I was on my way, but my angel called, and invited me to a wine festival. I asked if we could stop at the range, and all of a sudden I wasn’t alone! I was ecstatic that my friend wanted me to join her and her new/old beau on a Sunday excursion! I showed her how to shoot a rifle, they didn’t laugh that my aim was off, the wine festival was fabulous, and the wonderful people I know her held up there end of the bargain…I’m not alone!!

Father’s Day..

Always a difficult day for me. I miss my Father everyday; he died in an airplane crash when I was almost 7. (In case you haven’t read my other blogs.) Mom remarried when I was 13, but by then I had gone far beyond parenting. He’s fantastic, though, and I love him!

Back to growing up without a Father who, as a child, you thought was better than God! Every second with him was a dream come true! I have one bad memory, and it’s incredibly powerful! He yelled when Jeff and I ran out in the street. Scared me more than anything. Anyway, there’s a constant inner battle in me, the little girl who wants her Father’s love, and the confident powerhouse ready to take on the world. My self is in constant battle over these two. I don’t “need” a man in the ’50’s sense, but there is a part of me that wants that love. To see that look in a man’s eyes, and know that he loves you no matter what. That wants all the best for you and can’t wait to see you achieve your dreams! Not the fairy tale, but a partnership in the success of each other. I THINK it exists. I’ve seen it in other couples, but of course I don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Perhaps that is the happily ever after that isn’t real. The part where you’re happy for each other. You help and take care of one another. For me, the guy’s jealousy factor always took over as soon as my ascension began. The clutches got tighter, anger more ferocious, and life unbearable as my success grew. They loved me in the beginning and encouraged me, but once I was on my way up, our relationship took a downward spiral. So, I settled for no emotion. Nothing that could spark the rage that crashed in the past. If no one could care less than we can’t hurt each other. Yeah, ok Andy.

Indifference is cruel in it’s own way. Not that it matters, no one really cares. Go, be, do whatever you want…I will! Careful whatcha wish for. I’ve encountered such incredible ranges of emotion with people. I still can’t say I understand them. I know me, but I’m not sure I’M right.

I’m happy when someone is doing great, try to help if there’s a problem, never intentionally hurt people, and I am far from perfect. However, I’m left with this great hole in my heart.

Miss you Andy. Happy Father’s Day!

Thoughts of a girl…

I’m not saying this is bad, please let me preface that, but I was just watching a show and realized the first time I wanted to achieve perfection started when I was barely 4.

No magazines said I had to be. For me it was school and sports. The perfect student, uniform, routine, costumes, hair, grade, ect. I have sporadic memories of my childhood, but achieving to be the best was always my goal. If I wasn’t there were consequences.

I wonder what it’s like for children these days who never have to live up to expectations or get congratulated for mediocrity. Are they hard on themselves when they fail? Clearly, as a bail bondsman, I didn’t run into the typical millennial, and the few I know are exceptional. They didn’t receive special treatment, or should I say ambiguous approval. The bar was set high and they went far and above.

Not being a Mother myself, I didn’t meet many of those who set the bar at above average. Ribbons of participation don’t grace my walls. Do they have goals, aspirations beyond a C, and who is behind it? Parents, coach, teacher, or is it in the individual to rise above?

I hope all of you set out this week to do some great things. If you fold the laundry when you normally don’t, do the dishes piling up, or smile at the meanest person you know, do the NEXT best thing!

Busy bee…

That’s what I’ve been. The Relay for Life is just 2 weeks away, speech to prepare, Andy’s Animals booked solid, Buy2Beat updates, products to try, Shop2Beat orders keeping me up all night, 5-6 therapy appointments a week, my writing has suffered. I know a big part of feeling overwhelmed is the exhaustion I feel. Ever since I got home, stopped taking meds, the pain is kicking my butt. I’m not worried though, because I know I will adjust.

The headaches are taking over, and the therapy is making it worse. No pain no gain right? I will find my center, but right now I’m rabbit stuck in a slug’s body. So much to do, very little energy to apply my enthusiasm. Enough about my fun stuff.

I still wish I was back in Italy! Had a beautiful dream of Rome, the rain was falling, and St. Peter’s Basilica, Michelangelo’s dome was in the reflection of the rain. I looked up and saw the sun rise. I was washed with love and peace.

I know I shouldn’t worry, it’s silly, but I know Mom is in pain, Aunt Lu Lu is suffering, and there’s a sore spot in my mouth. I do worry, and wish there was something I could do. I wish Mom would quit her horrible job and enjoy herself more. I wish I could pick Lu Lu up and float her painlessly through Italy! If there was a way to visit everyone I want to, I wish I could find it. I wish I could stop worrying about my recovery.

I need to right this photo, and stop wishing. I’m a problem solver after all. Change the things I can!!!