It’s a bust..really?

After 2 months of focused effort on my hunts, I came up empty handed. For the first time I went after males and shockingly, I didn’t get one. Why do they get the rack? Not fair. Several people have offered their condolences others have silently rejoiced. (Scavengers know who you are. I like to earn my meals.) Even Mom dropped me off at the airport at 6 am and apologized that I didn’t harvest. Dad on the way home last night…no apologizies! Completely unnecessary! Here’s the thing, as with fishing, there’s nothing to be sorry about! I sat for 10 hours one day just listening to sounds of squirrels, 5 hours of freezing cold, final moments watching turkeys cross the road. More countless hours thinking of what has and will become of me. Never saw a buck. Oh well.

Dad and I in 30 and 60 degrees.

I was able to spend time in Missouri with my Dad who I haven’t seen in a few years due to my health. Not a conversationalist, dear Dad and I rarely speak, not in a bad way though. Let me assure you, the regrets you have in life are those you don’t get to spend with your loved ones. I wonder if this boy grew up, had kids, and would’ve taken me fishing?

I was on a mission to see one more thing and catch one last fish in case my eyesight should fail. I’m glad I did it, but the real trips I took, the ones with lasting, heartfelt memories are the ones with my family, friends, and nature. Spending another birthday with Mom was especially poignant after my year of cancer, aneurism, necrosis, and neverending neuralgia.

6 years, in sickness and health, still feel like a little girl saying goodbye.

Unimaginable time with my brother, watching him catch his first fish on his boat he’s been too busy to see! NICE Robano, skipjack run, but no yellowfin tuna!

Time with dear friends, Brandi and Danny. New friends Joan and Kim in Belize. The point is not what we did, but that we were together.

I wonder all the time what would life had been like if my Father Andy was alive. The different paths I may have taken, and if I would be anything like the person I’ve become today? These flights of fancy are the driving force behind my need to fulfill every important, immediate desire. Life is short. After losing Andy at his ripe old age of 35, I treasure each moment. So, is spending time with family, friends, doing things like fishing, hunting, EVER a bust? Not to me!

Be with those who love you, if only for a moment!

I did get to fish a bit thanks to my FABULOUS friends!! I love you all!!! You know I am a happy hooker from I-da-ho. While I’m not funny I do love to laugh and i have no qualms being the brunt of the joke.

In short, haha, I urge you all to choose happiness (it’s free), and never look upon an adventure of mine as a failure. You may not know it’s ultimate goal.

I DON’T FAIL! I’ve succeeded beyond my wildest dreams!

Hi 45!

I made it. Miraculously, I have survived 45 years. Never thought I’d make it to 30, so this is a lot of gravy. I prefer it to whipped cream, but quite a bit of topping anyway! 10 different careers (at least), owned 7 companies, countless jobs, written 2 books, 3 marriages, lived in 6 states, 2 countries, traveled to 9 countries, driven cross country 6 times (once on a motorcycle), survived cancer, 9 surgeries, loved, lost, rich, poor, and left a legacy. Even now I’m learning new niches for the future I’ve set forth for myself and planning more trips.

In sickness and health I’ve tried to always be kind and do good, although not always successful, I’ve tried to right any wrongs. I’m thrilled that my relationship with family has gotten better with time. Most recently with my Brother, my cup runneth over that we are working together. I’ll be celebrating with Mom and Dad in Missouri for the last time! They will be heading to Florida.

I’ve seen the changes, and resisted the evolution of technology. 7 Presidents have governed, 2 wars, women and gay rights expand, social network explode, newspapers fall, and sadly seen the rise in violence across the globe.

This next decade should be my best! With a clear vision and specific goal, I charge ahead to help people suffering from critical illnesses. Buy2beat.org will grow, andyscaramels.com will get merchant services, and I will get a non fiction book published.

The people in my life are AWESOME! What a crew! They are a spectacular circle of beauty in my life that shares each others joy, fear, and pain. We offer support, give our time, and pay attention! When we can be together, we are PRESENT!!!

I will continue my work with American Cancer Society and Relay for Life. Already set to fight for home based chemotherapy in January at the Capitol. I will give more speeches on patient advocacy.

In just one year and so much has changed. 2018 was tough with all the illnesses and surgeries. Going forward I have ongoing health challenges and a world of what ifs and who knows. I talked to a lady last night who’s Father plans his whole life by his P.E.T. scans. For those who don’t know, it’s shows cancer cells. I will not let my health dictate my life. I have set up way to have a life if I go blind, professionally and that’s about all I can do. Go to therapy, doctor appointments, and one more surgery next week. The last year felt like a lifetime in and of itself. 2019 became a positive drive I haven’t had since I was a teenager!

This girl can!

I am going to focus on helping others.

Don’t worry I will finish book 3.

Of course, I will continue to travel!

So far, this has been one hell of a ride. A roller coaster of epic proportions! A fight to the (almost) death. Whatever is next I will do my best!

Devil is in the desire..

Since he is scared of me, I will take the golden fiddle! To be free is a constant debate and filled with misconceptions. Are you free to do whatever you want? ABSOLUTELY, but consequence inevitably follows. In my opinion, freedom is more of privilege. The comedian, George Carlin and I totally agree. If it’s a right, it can be taken away.

It’s a privilege really. To have transparency with the governing bodies so that they cannot overstep the power of the office and are held accountable by the people.

Division or diversity, right vs wrong, go left and step off, why must we only have the perception presented to us? Get it?

What color is the sunset?

Do you prefer the ocean or mountain? Who’s desire is right? Who’s happiness is left?

Stay with me for a moment please. I may disagree with you and you me. I once sat for an hour in Tennessee listening to 3 guys who couldn’t agree on directions to a hardware store. You can do it!

How bad would it be for all of us to read the 10 commandments in the house everyday? Say a prayer? You don’t have to include religion, just silently or aloud bless the day and be thankful. Could it render harm to send our children off to school with an appreciation for all that they have and love in their hearts for the other people in the world? Would it KILL us to look on our own day and say thankfully you have a job, home, and food? Maybe write a reminder to treat someone especially nice each day even though they make your blood boil or say a kind word to a homeless person.

I can tell you right now that this “living in constant fear” existence is the wrong path. I worry about my Brother because of a sticker he has on his car. I want to wear my birthday present, but real fear of assault gives me pause. I saw a picture of Martin Luther King today and wished I could walk with him.

I’ll never agree with you, and vice versa but I will NEVER know hate for you. Belize constantly tested me. I agreed to disagree so many times over football, politics, religion it was as if I was being tested. I walked away from people who wanted to start arguments. STOP! I don’t want to debate about Roethlisberger’s ability to throw the ball. Kaepernick’s right to take a knee. Religion on school. This doesn’t include the ABSOLUTELY horrible lies that are said about me..I’m stopping now!

We MUST stop the hate no matter the desire! Got nothin’ but LOVE ❤🙏 have a WONDERFUL DAY!!!!

Facades

On a stormy morning in May, my fifth day in Italy I was walking into a convenient store, and a man was coming out. A giant glass door opened and the wind caught it. The heavy piece swung fast on it’s hinges and crashed into me. The brute of the force was stopped by my two big toes in my soft suede boots. The pain was unbelievable, but I sucked it up and soldiered on knowing the injury would take many months to heal.

“I refuse to sink” says the shirt!

Indeed, it has. The top nails had died off and were barely hanging on. One came off in North Carolina and the other came off last week in Belize. Underneath, the new nail has been slowly growing in. I started to see these poor things a lot like my recovery and it’s facade. While the shiny gel coat looked great on the outside, beneath was this rough, tender, and ugly regrowth.

I’m trying to put on fierce, strong exterior, of course, and take on the world. So many are genuinely surprised to learn I still am fragile and have repercussions from the last year.

I’ve been trying to hide it for so long, what can I say? Even gel polish chips.

Travel..

“To travel is to live.”

This year has been an adventure of a lifetime! Belize, (AMAZING new friends), Women With Bait fishing tournament, Cancun, started 2 companies, buy2beat.com and awarriorwrites.com San Diego, for Brandi 50th, learned an entirely new business Shop2beat.com, Italy (what CAN’T I say?), andyscaramels.com, writer’s guild, Elaine Ambrose, FANTASTIC new people in my life, San Diego fishing with Frank and Danny, then with my brother a few weeks later, back to Belize with girlfriend (even more new friends), and now I wait to go home so I can fly to Missouri to hunt with Dad.

In between, I had my WONDERFUL animals, and am in the process of 2 more companies.

What a whirlwind of delight! Life can be thrilling if you try. I see it in the people around me. The lovely students from Denmark on holiday from their studies in Mexico, the backpackers headed North for the Riviera Maya, (not a clue where they are spending the night), the visitors from the mainland on a rare holiday, (what a treat for the children to see the beaches). Just as some have never seen the beach or snow in America, so is true in the Caribbean.

Life is so precious and poignant everywhere I discover, and is found again in the places I return to.

The lively smiles, weary faces, determined demeanor, all surround me as we board the ferry to take us away. A paradise for some, others disappointment but none can escape the glory of the sea!

“To travel is to live,” said Hans Christian Andreson, and I feel ALIVE!

Bad days hit..

Sometimes you don’t know why, when, or how, but they do. Unless you are completely sociopathic, you look in the mirror and wonder who you are. Reflecting on perhaps the past, how did you get here! Why did this or that happen to me? When did something change? How did I miss it?

I saw my face today. I looks so different, my skin looks odd, while I was getting ready for a witch party I couldn’t see me. It felt like a clown was trying to paste make up on corpse.

Without formaldehyde the decay happens quickly. I couldn’t fill in the cracks fast enough. I can’t do my eyes because I can’t see. I got so frustrated, and the bad day hit. It’s been lurking, just underneath.

Amazon fucking my new business, incompetent dickheads, being belittled, stolen from, lied to, hijacked, are all things contributing to my bad day. Then I look in the mirror, and can’t see me. I kept it together for so long, but I need to acknowledge the bad day just once.

So I’m posting these today! Get them over with!

Some self pity, 😖 hate this!

A few things have got me rattling like a Ford pinto on 3 tires. I went out to the woods hunting. Gazing across monolithic mountain ranges, crisp fall, clean air in my lungs, Mother Nature’s painting in spectacular colors, and all my life, a place of serenity to me. I camped as a child and later as adult with true love for nature! At times in my younger years I actually lived in the woods.

A profound, depressing, and painful new reality exists for me..tinnitus. I was out appreciating the immense view of the beautiful valley from the top of the world when the ringing became so overpowering my head throbbed. Tears sprung to my eyes at this painful intrusion and I wished I would’ve bought the $2500 hearing aids.

For those who don’t know, tinnitus causes a high pitched ringing/screeching in your head. Mine was a gift from chemotherapy. The doctors say I will, “get used to it” just like the loss of eyesight. Maybe when I can’t see the mountains I will no longer be upset about not being able to enjoy their company. 😭

Rant #2

I read inspirational books. I should say I listen now. There was a time when I couldn’t stop reading, but with my eyes so bad reading and writing has actually become painful. So, I’m trying to listen to books now even though ear buds inch like crazy.

I digress. So, I read all these cheerleading business books. They tell me to get out of my comfort zone, believe in myself, take risks, be uncomfortable, dare the unimaginable right? You’ve read one or listened to some one telling you how to achieve. My current one:

You’ve probably heard examples..Bell, Roosevelt, Lincoln, even Schwarzenegger have been used as examples in these discussions. I recently said I would love to sit down with Bezos because innovation fascinates me. Now, I’d like to kick his ASS!!

Here is my problem…I watch all these people go through FBA entrepreneurship with ease, but my company Shop2beat.com is met with one disaster after another because of Amazon’s inept systems. I’m floored this company has made it when I suffer from their neverending mistakes! Then again, they don’t do this to all the sellers.

I know I can do this if just a few things would go correctly at the receiving department’s fulfillment centers. Just do your job, I’m paying for it, and pay me the thousands you owe me for losing my inventory!!😖 I’m taking the chance, believing in myself, working hard, daring to dream and all the other bumper sticker slogans for fuck’s sake! HELP ME!

Rants done.

Back to howling at the moon!