Why do i?

I realize that  writing this was childish, because that is what happens sometimes during a tantrum.   The flood gates open, you are berated by the supporters of imperfect people.   The #metoo movement came and went, but I said nothing.   People who knew expected me to say nothing.

I’m no longer going live in shame. I was a child longing for a Father, and uncle Eric filled the void He touched and caressed me for years.

I just wanted to be loved, and I got it. So there it is, the truth. I had sex with my uncle. I wish I could I take it back. I wish my Father could have protected me. When does a prey become obvious to a predator.? There are no real answers. Uncle Eric has no kids. Nor do I. I can tell you he knows me, my panties , oh, and “only your uncle gets to touch you there”

The difficult part, the guilt that stays forever is that it felt so good.  To be loved, to feel like an adult, taken seriously, then go sit and well, you get it.  The fantasy never goes away.  we will spend our lives together, sail around the world. That feeling of love a girl misses, even the woman wants.

I should have elaborated. I have always wanted my Father back, I tried to bring him back in almost all relationships. I would have killed myself to be with him. I tried, several times.

Needless to say, I should have told you the whole truth. I craved his love and touch.

My Father died in an airplane crash when I was almost 7. I just missed him and wanted a strong man to make me feel safe. I have everything to get him back!

As I sit and cry realizing there was very little concern over his wife. He liked me to go fishing because Mom would approve. I never saw him when I had cancer. His brother has been trying to fuck me for years . Same thing happened in Pennsylvania. What is it about Uncles?

I will try to forgive and pray for peace!

This is how I have felt all my life.

I’m sad…

So my Mother and Stepdad have “decided ” to move to Florida. That is the only option..ARE YOU FUCKING kidding me?

Oh, stepdad of mine, would you?

I cannot agree with this division.

You have no idea the pain I feel not seeing  Mom

When did sacrifices become the compromise?

Fine tear our family apart you ass. How dare you?  Iv’e cried so many tears as you split our small family further and further apart.

I can’t afford to come see you every time I want.  Amber gets to spend time with her Mom, you EX-wife, everyday.    So farther and farther you move with NO intention of coming to see your WIFE’S children.  I’ve cried so many tears, your take horrible care of our Mother I am concerned for her health.  You are the most selfish ASS I’ve EVER known.

Her first husband died in a plane crash and you felt compelled to get a pilot’s licenses.  You didn’t pay your taxes and lost our home, you applied for the job in Springfield without her knowledge for 2 years, you LIED!!!  AS fucking usual!

So I will cry my tears, and let the pain continue because you have ALWAYS done whatever the FUCK you wanted without regard to your wife’s feelings or that of her children!




3/25/2020 official Idaho 21 day quarantine begins…

When I was born 45 years ago, the Vietnam war had ended, urban sprawl took the place of 1000s of acres of orange groves in Southern California where I grew up. I left there years ago, but California has been on lockdown for a week.

I will admit that when Governor Brad Little gave the stay at home order today in Idaho, I drove down an grabbed supplies. NOT a cart full of toilet paper. 21 days, shelter in place, but can I imagine this 30 years ago? That is my question to all. I used to read 3 books a day, REAL books. No cell phone, certainly no smartphone, no internet, some had computers and compuserve, but now we are dependent on the constant interaction with technology and still people are claiming insanity. Why do people feel like they are going crazy after one day? Even the people who have been sequestered for a month in Europe are bored, but the Americans are going ballistic. Foolishly!

Government is acting worse! They are holding people hostage to push agendas. While people want to go to work they fear the loss of paycheck, job, home, utilities and the government is dangling scraps in front of those who desperately need it. In Italy and Spain the government has suspended all mortgages, rents, and utilities while the countries are under house arrest. Not America, no, can’t help the people unless they get a pay raise.

The politics are pathetic. Drama and comedy on such a grandiose scale Garth Brooks couldn’t pack such a house. Tears, laughter, fear, anxiety, is palpable on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and lives are being lost above and beyond the virus.

I am used to sitting at home.  Cancer taught me well.  So find a hobby, draw, paint, read, write, clean, cook, but STOP acting like this is going to drive you insane. In reality, you spent plenty of your time wishing you could go home. Careful what you wish for!

March can go out with the bathwater..

So, this year has had it’s 90 day trial and I want a refund.  The COVID-19 or coronavirus has infiltrated every country and has locked down most in thier homes except first responders, truckers keeping the stores supplied, necessary positions while the general public loses thier incomes, watches the idiots stockpiling toilet paper, and calculates the day they will be released from confinement.

The death toll reached 1,054 in the entire United States. Fear, anxiety, and astonishment seems to be the reaction. Humor has been mine. I love to laugh in times of trouble until tears fall. History is in the making, the books will reflect this time in our lives, criticism will fall squarely on the leaders of our nations. Elected officials will rise and fall in the next year because of this pandemic.

I know that the CDC and WHO gave recommendations and they were followed. People may have ignored the warnings, I was one. I went out a few times. Worldwide 21,297 have died from the virus out of 7,713,468 000. Think about the math. More people die of heart disease and cancer everyday. I won’t let people make this into a political issue if I can help it. We are crippling counties, changing the demographic of societies, and crushing people who sit in their homes out of work.

I pray for us all!


We have all been seeing the alienation of human contact. The disconnect between man as it yields to machine. Face the facts, machine is winning at an unprecedented rate. People’s validity is encapsulated by online presence and if not the children are. Growing up in the 80s we used to name drop to give ourselves importance.

“I know Robert Evans, Wayne Newton, blah blah blah” and most times it worked. However, it was a night, a party, just a few hours to meet and greet some people who might help you IF you fuck them.

Now we have the coronavirus which has existed in animals for years. The World Health Organization is telling people not to shake hands or hug. As if humans need another reason to distance ourselves. I have to go the doctors frequently and get asked all kinds of questions that don’t apply to me. They do tell me what to do.

Before the virus however I learned of this special, selfimposed crap of cutting off good family because they are toxic. Wtf? I’m not perfect but this movement is ludicrous! If you have loving family members please kiss, hug, and love!!

Life is filled with predators, “special” uncles and aunts that leave you feeling insecure and spiteful, friends and not friends who tear your dreams apart, death that knocks at your door for years, now a virus that seeks to separate us further Don’t know a single celebrity that can buy happiness or immunity.

Hold your loved ones, kiss, and let them know they have thier back. Separation is not what we need now!

Turn the page..

Just as I was giving up on the month, there were the women to lift and inspire me to keep going on the basic level. In April it will be a year since I found ewomennetwork on Facebook. I joined 2 months later.

I’ve met the most gracious women, and tried to help where I could. Yesterday I had a quick lunch with the Chapter leader, Ari Carlson, (no coincidences), and she helped narrow down what my non profit can do to help NOW! I’m incredibly grateful to her.

Then today, WOW, what an AWESOME gathering of many accomplished women who all gather together in order to help, inspire, and collaborate success.

I have personally found my CPA Kristi, my bra lady Lisa, and so many more entrepreneurs including wine, clothing, mortgages, reality, travel, heating and cooling, gas station, banks, coaches, mentors, diet, exercise, gym, there’s no limit to who we are and how we can help one another 🙏🤗❤😍😘💪👠💄👛👜.

Thank you ewomennetwork for giving me hope, centering me back to my goal, and bringing the right people into my life. The universe called at the right time for more than a few women!!

India might need to be visited!

I’m excited for the future and will never let my health determine my success. I’m excited for next month, but more so, April’s Summit with #sandrayancey

The inspiration she gives, EVERY time I see or hear her fuels my passion beyond all! I never want to quit because of her! I consider myself blessed to be apart of her journey and all of these women’s paths.

FXCK February!

It’s the 15th and I’m OVER it! I’ve lost 3 friends, a fantastic puppy, 3 friends have lost loved ones, and extremely horrible things are happening all around. I have been conflicted beyond maniacal ups and downs.

My epileptic Annie, see you at the bridge!

I got my first brand new car delivered from California and I got my samples for my new skin care line. Troiya.com was born much to my delight! However these AMAZING moments are foreshadowed by death and pain. My WONDERFUL Brother aptly named it the pain train.

BEAUTIFUL 2020 Jeep Cherokee Trailhawk ❤

To start off the month though was the Superbowl. Me, the consummate 49er fan against the world it seemed. All the people in my NFC division jumped ship after losing to the Niners and backed Andy Ried and the Kansas City Chiefs. After the loss I had to agree that they wanted it more. I went on a bus trip to Winnemucca, NV for the game with friends and had a blast!

Of course the halftime show raised.a lit of controversy and debate with half naked women over the age of 40 delivering a risque performance on one of America’s biggest stages. The part that bothered me was Eminem fake slapping J Lo’s ass while she was bent over in front of him. On so many levels I felt that it was going too far. My blog, my opinion.

I’m sad the 49ers lost, but I’m proud of the NFC Champions for turning the team around and finding it’s way! LOVE you! Happy 100th to the NFL!

Great time with GREAT friends!

So with it’s sweets came disastrous loss.

Jan. 29th, close enough

I’m now halfway through the month and things are starting to level out. Somewhat anyway.

I believe that great things are on the horizon. Just after this next hill!

So it seems..

Everything seems to come at a price. I SWEAR I made no deals with the devil, but this week made me think. Does the universe exist on the ying yang system. My week started AMAZING! I couldn’t believe how well my new company came together, LIGHTING speed. Just 5 days, and I’m proud to sell a skin care line. (I’ve been working on it for years) Got the first samples with design in the mail!

My first new products!

I’ve made the website! DEFINITELY have glitches to workout, but don’t have to worry about Amazon destroying my company!

Troiya is live, and I’m thrilled! Then the universe YANGS me! I feel ready, equipped, knowledgeable, team in place, and ready to watch my 49ers play in the Superbowl. Bosa is just named Rookie of the Year!!

Bosa just named Rookie of the Year!

1, 2, 3, people I know die. My heart is crushed. These weren’t men in thier 90s, the oldest was a pillar in my life and passed at 63. No one will tell me what is happening, is his cat ok, rent paid, services? I am cut off from the facts and details that I want to know!

I have a sparkling, brand new 2020 Jeep! OMG! I haven’t had a brand NEW car in 27 years!! I can’t believe my bro bought me this! Words cant express the love and support he’s shown to me!

Brother and Sister Unite!

Ying yang, I know Chris was laid to rest today, and I gave what I could. I feel horrible missing the Celebration of Life tomorrow, but I believe I deserve to be happy that my team is going to the Superbowl. Not like I’m spending 10 thousand dollars to be in Miami.

I wish this week would not have been so hard. I wish our friends were back with us. 200 plus jello shots are fixed for the fun bus. The ying/yang this week gave me whiplash, tears, and joy. Seriously Universe, why can’t you do one at a time? Dick

Feeling guilty for being happy SUCKS! I want to be happy and choose it ALWAYS DELIGHT THRILL

At what price?

The answer to why..

We all have our reasons, and my dear friend Karl would sometimes ask me why? He wanted to know why I never picked him to marry, to be with, obviously to enter into a relationship with. Our bond was strong, and we loved each other very much!

I would point to him and point to me and say “this” because of my love for you! I met you when I was 17, and at the age of 45 I’m still friends with you! Other men, marriages are gone, but you and I are still together. 28 years is more important to me than anything. Unbeknownst to me you and I applied for the same job. You bowed out so I could be the first female deckhand in the fleet. I learned later that you let me have the job. The deck boss Steve O was so mad. “A female deckhand? IMPOSSIBLE, women don’t be long on a fishing boat!!”

Karl knew my love for the sea, he understood my desire to be there!

I lived on my boat for a year and he and I would talk for days about philosophy, laugh..Lord how I loved his laugh. His chest would expand, literally, and belt a rough laugh. He was slow to smile, but everything he did was deliberate. He thought about each move and gesture. Karl was neither left or right, but right or wrong. I can say to this day, I loved him and will always miss him! I have no regrets, but as much ad you wanted more, I wanted forever!

You were important to me and my life! I am going to miss you. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. DAMN IT! I wanted a friend for life instead I got a lifelong friend. I pray you rest in peace my dear! You were epic to me!!!!

Never forget! R.I.P.

I could talk about our time together forever, I know why and I believe I was right! Thank you Mondt…